Author tells women to reach pre-marital potential

Every time a woman in junior Julie Liebenthal's sorority becomes engaged, the members hold a candlelight ceremony and pass a lit candle around the room. Upon receiving the candle, the newly-engaged member blows it out, revealing the news to her sisters.\nLiebenthal said a lot of her friends hope to have a candlelight ceremony before they graduate, but she thinks some may be acting on impulse.\n"You don't have to settle (on someone) to settle down," she said. "Some guys aren't that great. You can do better."\nOhio resident and author Julia A. Davis addresses this type of situation in her book, "A Letter to our Daughters about Men," a compilation of stories discussing women's involvement in relationships with both men and themselves.\nThe Bloomington Alumnae Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta sorority, an organization of which Davis is a member, is sponsoring a book signing at 3:30 p.m. Saturday at the Monroe County Public Library, 303 E. Kirkwood Ave. \nDavis said the book is not just for mothers to share with their daughters, but it's for all women and girls.\n"We're trying to get women to think," Davis said. "Women can be very intelligent, but sometimes they surrender their brains to someone else."\nSophomore Emily Evans said her parents were high school sweethearts, and for awhile thought she should have a similar situation. \n"Now that I'm in college, it's not a big deal that I haven't met anyone already," she said. "I would like to get married, but I'm not setting a timeline on it. If I've met someone by the end of college that's great, but if not, that's fine, too." \nEvans is studying elementary and special education and said she doesn't know of anyone who is at IU solely for their "MRS degree," that is, here to meet someone to marry. \n"I'm sure there are people out there like that," Evans said. "I have friends who don't know what they want to study, and they joke about meeting a guy and not having to worry about it."\nDavis said she wants women to realize their personal life goals and pursue them without worrying about their marital status.\nKirsten Sword, a visiting assistant professor of history and gender studies, said the discussion should be expanded to include men's viewpoints. \n"My male students have almost never had to confront questions about marriage, family and work in the same way (as women)," Sword said in an e-mail. "Most assume that they will get married and have children, but no one has suggested that they start seriously worrying about finding a partner in college or that they alter their professional interests to make balancing work and family easier."\nDavis has been happily married for more than 30 years and said she wants to make it clear she is not against marriage. \n"My message to young women is to be complete and healthy all by yourself," she said. "If you have a man in your life, that's wonderful, but if you don't, that's wonderful too. Be everything you've planned to be."\nRose Hartzell is a doctoral student at the University of Arkansas and was a discussion leader in the School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation's class Marriage and Family at IU last year. She said she has met students who stay in relationships because they don't want to work to find someone else.\n"Everyone has their perceived idea of how a love relationship should go," Hartzell said. "Sometimes people get stuck in a certain place and keep dating people that are not healthy for them." \nDavis said her message is not that being married or in a relationship with another person is a bad thing, but people should be fully prepared as individuals before committing to someone else. \n"The first relationship you have is with yourself, knowing who you are and deciding who you are in life," Davis said. "Marriage is a wonderful institution, and if you are blessed with a person in your life who you love and he loves you, I hope you get married and have a wonderful life. But if that doesn't happen, move on with your life."\nThe book can be purchased for $19.99 at the book signing and is also available from Epps-Alford Publishing.