My readers need an 'IU guy'

Honestly, there's nothing more to say about the Hoosiers' season. I've analyzed all their shortcomings and successes repeatedly in my columns and after their 71-68 road loss to Penn State, I'm really over it. I've become irritable to strangers, I snap at my friends, I can't concentrate on my work and I'm pretty sure I have an ulcer.\nSo I've decided to stop dodging questions about my situation and come clean. I do not feel I can do my job effectively for the remainder of the season. I think the Hoosier fans out there deserve one of their own to provide analysis on this team. I mean, I'm from San Diego, what could I possibly know about Indiana basketball?\nClearly the fact that I've been positive lately, while providing in-depth analysis of the team and imploring fans to understand that the season doesn't end in February, has been met with resistance from the Hoosier faithful.\nIt's an incredible burden following a legend like Matt "Cakes" Glenesk in this position but I've tried to live up to expectations and be successful. The man's size nines were just too large to fill. At this point, I think it would be better if both parties moved on. Therefore, I am resigning as an analyst for the Indiana Daily Student.\nNow I'll open the floor up for questions. Yes, you in the front row.\nCan you comment on the allegation that a cologne-soaked, shaved ape could do your job?\nHa! I'd like to see an ape sleep in until noon, order a nonfat decaf-raspberry latte from the Starbucks drive-thru, stroll through the IDS like he owns the place, hit on his copy editor and intimidate a freshman into answering his "fan" mail. Honestly, it's a tough job that's taken its toll on me. \nDid the negative fan reaction have an effect on the quality of your analysis? \nWell, you try to block out all the negative stuff but sometimes it's not possible. The fans will never know how much they affected my columns -- it was really hard for me to watch. When they attacked me, they were really attacking my work as well, and that's not fair. When you're surrounded by so much negativity it is almost impossible to succeed.\nI mean, people are entitled to their opinions but when you're over 40, balding, overweight and spend 18 hours a day on message boards and e-mailing college basketball columnists, you need to get a life. Seriously, move out of mom's basement, get a job and stop threatening to kill my goldfish just because I don't think Mike Davis should die a horrible death. Anyone else? \nIf another analyst position opened up, say at the University of Alabama-Birmingham, would you be a candidate?\nI'm not going to answer hypotheticals. Last question -- I'm late to meet up with Ben Allen and some groupies from McNutt. \nSo are you completely done with column writing?\nOh I'll still write columns -- you aren't getting off that lucky -- but I can no longer analyze this team. It's too tough on me. I'd like to thank the paper and the team for the opportunity they gave me. It has been the experience of a lifetime.