There is an epidemic developing at IU. It's not cholera or influenza or even alcohol poisoning. No, this new disease is much more terrifying and is capable of transforming the human race into monosyllabic -- or worse -- nonvocal members of the animal kingdom: self-isolationism! That's right. It seems as though IU students are cutting themselves off from meeting people or developing new friendships. Want evidence? Look around you right now: How many people are silent and using an electronic device? If you happen upon one of those mutated by this disease (or are one yourself), our columnists will help you identify just exactly what you're dealing with.
A. Textmessageoa inclassia
Pictured here is the social Textmessageoa inclassius. This close relative of man has the reflexes of a cat on Rockstar energy drink: When the vibrations from a mobile device are detected, the message is scanned and answered immediately. Paying attention in class is not a priority. However, apologizing to the parental units for going over on texts for any given month is. Hardly seen using the mobile for verbal communication, this suspicious character might have forgotten how to articulate. The Textmessageoa inclassius may text upward of 30 words a minute -- without looking. This dubious creature might develop scoliosis later in life as a result of arching the back and attempting to conceal its weapon of mass communication. Status: Textmessageoa inclassius is learning how to use new emoticons. ;-)\nNatalie A. Avon is a freshman majoring in journalism.
B. Hipsteris iPodus\nAt first glance, Hipsteris iPodus appears to be a normal college student with few distinguishing characteristics. A surefire way to spot Hipsteris iPodus is to look for two thin, white wires protruding from its ears. This subspecies is unlikely to respond to any outside stimuli, the eardrums being totally unresponsive. Any verbal communication is extremely rare. Do not expect acknowledgement of others' existence. Generally appearing in nature individually, they are also sometimes seen in small groups of two or three walking to class without speaking. Some scientists have hypothesized that Hipsteris iPodus uses telepathic communication in lieu of the spoken word, which would explain its general state of confusion and indifference when approached by Homo sapiens. Status: Hipsteris iPodus is listening to a band you have never heard of.\nNick Weprich is a freshman who has not yet declared a major.
C. Snoozus apatheticus\nObserve now Snoozus apatheticus. This lethargic creature can be identified in the wild by the atypical secretion of saliva often seen leaking from the side of the oral orifice. While some of the more highly developed members of this species have learned to "play awake," this torpid beast takes on the predator professor armed with only pulse and presence enough to retain a GPA that will allow survival in the university jungle. Anthropologists and zoologists maintain that it cannot be determined whether this animal is nocturnal or merely sleeps through lectures as a means of survival, as this species is highly susceptible to death from boredom. Predictable in nature, Snoozus apatheticus can be counted on to rise to no occasion, at least not past attendance. Status: Snoozus apatheticus is snoring.\nJessica Simendinger is a junior majoring in English and theater.
D. Geekus laptopius\nAh, the majestic Geekus laptopius. One of nature's gifts to the planet, this cousin of modern man is extremely myopic and generally develops carpal tunnel by age 20. A relatively intelligent creature, this humanoid communicates orally through an incomprehensible variant of modern speech ("Hey, n00b. Stop gigabyting my html!") or simply instant-messages other members of its species -- even those sitting across the room. Favoring a relatively sparse diet, our subject can survive for days on only a few ounces of coffee and Red Bull. Known for its bad pickup lines ("Hey, baby, I'll upgrade your system anytime you want!"), Geekus laptopius spends most of its day perusing MySpace and managing its Facebook account. Status: Geekus laptopius is updating its profile -- again.\nAbby Schwimmer is a sophomore majoring in environmental management.
