Be prepared

If the terrorists attack, we all had better know what we're going to do because there ain't no comin' back from the dead. What does that mean for those of us in Bloomington? If you're confused, frightened, alone or just can't stop laughing at our country's security madness, I've provided a plan. Follow it and you'll survive any attack, whether biological, nuclear, ideological or good ol'-fashioned fist fight.\n• Prepare. First things first: Industrial-grade terrorist repellent. Scientific research has found that the combination of Coca-Cola, lemonade, sweat from a Mississippian named Jethro who wears faded American flag T-shirts, tobacco juice from Jethro's grandmother and a picture of John F. Kennedy smiling, all compacted within an aerosol can, is extremely effective in combating terrorists. Apparently, upon contact with the terrorists' skin, they'll immediately pee their pants and spontaneously combust. Be sure to keep a can in your preparation kit next to your machete, whistle, antibiotic ointment, cigarette lighter, duct tape, handle of Skol vodka and packet of cheese crackers. Also, stash a paper bag. This will be used to cover your ass when Osama bin Laden drops the big one on the Red, White and Blue.\n• Plan. Find a place to hide. A basement, bathroom, one of the local IU pubs or a swimming pool will be effective (that last one requires that margaritas be on hand). Then make sure your significant other and/or children know where to meet you. If you don't have a significant other, find someone else who doesn't, and invite them to share your terrorism shelter. You could be there for a long, long, long, long time. Some sex might be nice -- necessary even, if you have to repopulate the human race after World War III.\n• Stay informed. This means knowing when the dependable U.S. of A. has sent those terrorists packing and removed their country's government -- whether totalitarian, communist, democratic or Swedish in nature -- using tanks, bombs and American pride. It also means you should keep up to date on whether Terrell Owens tried to book his own flight to the clouds and whether Bennifer will be reunited. Not to mention checking the score from Assembly Hall (go Hoosiers!). Also, do your best to see if that e-mail you sent to Dave got through. Oh, and text your mom to let her know you haven't mutated from radiation poisoning. Did you turn the oven off?\nAnd if you say screw it to having a plan (like I will), meet me down on Kirkwood. As a great poet once said, "If we die here tonight, that's OK. At least we'll die together." Cheers.