Can't buy us love

Everyone's retirement plan features an asterisk that points to "win the lottery." Last week's lucky winner no longer has to worry about her 401(k) or how much she is paying into Social Security. In fact, assuming the winner doesn't blow it all, she won't have to work another day in her life.\nAfter throwing a temper tantrum like the bratty, immature know-it-alls that we are, the members of the Indiana Daily Student editorial board briefly entertained the idea of fire-bombing the lottery headquarters for not selecting at random the most deserving of all Bloomington residents: us. We were all set to go when we realized we didn't have protective eyewear. \nSo instead of lobbing a Molotov cocktail at the ticket factory, we thought: What would we do with $11 million? First order of business, money fight: 11 million one-dollar bills raked into enormous piles of loot like rich uncle Scrooge McDuck. But with all that cash lying around, we would need security. Uncle Scrooge wasn't about to leave his vault unguarded knowing Flintheart Glomgold and his ilk were devising dastardly schemes to steal his gold.\nSo we would build a moat around the Fortress, er, um, Ernie Pyle Hall. Now it's not enough just to have a 50-feet trench. It's going to need to be filled with genetically enhanced man-eating hyena-shark hybrids, "killers of the shallow muddy ditch." \nThen we got to thinking: While we're fortifying IDS HQ, we ought to throw around obscene amounts of money to lavishly redesign the interior. As if there weren't enough flat-screen TVs in there already, we'd go ahead and install as many as the circuit breakers permit. Moving sidewalks with a complimentary puppy dog, heated toilet seats, a bidet, a panda preserve and a brewery would be installed as well.\nExcessive? Nonsense!\nWe deserve this. Coming up with selfish wastes of money is exhausting work. \nWe columnists might be celebrities -- nay, heroes -- on campus, but we're trying to break onto the national scene. No, this completely hypothetical money hasn't gone to our heads. We were celebrities -- nay, heroes -- on campus long before we didn't win the lottery. As such, we intend to buy a 30-second spot during the Super Bowl: "I just won $11 million. Hi, Mom!"\nBy the way, who do we have to bribe to change Pluto back to a planet? \nOnce we've seen to our own needs, we'll start reaching out to the community. Most notably, reaching out to the West Lafayette community with bulldozers and wrecking cranes. As soon as the authorities clear out the stragglers, IU can start work on a new satellite campus -- a step in the right direction to be sure.\nAlso, fireworks for all! There's no wrong time to set off a small explosive -- only wrong places. Hats, too. No point in giving out fireworks if students aren't going to look festive. \nWe've told you what we would do, now send in your own ideas on how the lucky winner should spend her money at letters@indiana.edu.