Does your lower back say 'buttmunch'?

You're an Informatics major who just got laid, finally learned all the lyrics to "High School Musical" or just found out what the "pen15" club is.\nThese are all compelling reasons to get a tattoo.\nEven better? You've just gotten over that two-month dating hump. Call me old-fashioned, but the only legitimate way to prove your love is getting a tattoo of your boyfriend's initials. That, and a few sexually explicit acts that I can't very well describe right here. But really, unless his name is Thomas Ian Turkowicz or Billy Louis Oscar Wendell Jacob Oliver Bartlett, it's a great idea. Similar great ideas include a Jenny Craig logo on your arm fat or Flavor Flav's portrait, clock included, on your left boob. All good ideas.\nSeriously, tattoos are for life, like contracts with the devil (or worse, Nextel). Don't get me wrong, I'm big on tattoos. I have two, and I plan on getting more (they're like Pringles), but my dad said I have to wait until he croaks. But I'll be honest here: If you have a tattoo, I might not love it. As much as I love a good tribal design, I have to ask: Do you belong to a tribe? If so, whip out your rainstick because I seriously doubt it. \nAs you can surely tell, I have a lot of opinions on tattoos -- well, tattoos and furries (so creepy!). But that's not part of this article, so I'll stick to the ink. Mockery aside, I have only one steadfast rule, one that, if broken, should cause the rule-breaker years of public ridicule. The punishment includes, but is not limited to, being forced to buy T-shirts with captivating proverbs on them like "Princess" or "Heartbreaker" from Kohl's. And the rule is: If you don't speak Chinese, don't get something written in Chinese tattooed on your body. (This isn't really Chinese-specific as it works similarly with all languages, but this one seems to be the most prevalent.) \nFor example, I notice that some people like to pick out random words from the dictionary like "love" or "faith" or "shoe" and get the Chinese symbol tattooed on their ass (or lovely lady lumps). You know these girls Googled the translation. \nSo here's another thing to ponder: Say Plopsy McSlutterson wants to get the Chinese symbol for "serenity" on her lower back. But what if Chet, Plopsy's tattoo artist, is having a bad day? And I mean really bad -- like the cheese packet was missing from his Easy Mac box, and his mom hasn't responded to his last three text messages. Instantaneously, "serenity" could become "buttmunch" and -- here's the glorious part -- Plopsy wouldn't even know!\nAccording to vanishingtattoo.com, "tattoo" was the third most popular word searched on Lycos.com in 2003. That's more hits than "cherub," "radioactive isotopes" and "socks for grandma" combined, folks. Where the hell has all the innocence of branding gone? And who are these insubordinate miscreants out there searching for tattoo ideas on the Internet while the rest of conventional society is cruising for free, low-grade porn and chicken recipes? Is this really how it works now?\nWhy don't we all go back to the good old days when people got their tattoos during long prison stints, using long, dirty needles and smuggled ink? Come on, what are you going to choose: hepatitis and originality or good health and bad taste? It's your choice, just listen to your heart. Unless your heart is on your ass and it's written in Chinese.