Dear Harlan,
You asked, How a couple can overcome the use of \npornography? \nMy husband and I are Christians with rather strict moral convictions. I found out that my husband had a problem with porn when I came home unexpected one day. It was devastating for both of us. He was humiliated, as was I. We took the Internet out of our house for a while, and things seemed to be fine. After some time, we had to get the Internet because of my occupation, and he did not have the password, so he couldn't be online unless I logged in. He went to such great lengths as to find a free Internet source to be able to log in without my help. I asked him how he was doing with it one day, and he flat-out lied to me (worse than having the porn problem). One day, when I came across some tracks of porn, I searched through the computer and confronted him on what I had found out. We had about a week without talking or touching or anything. Then we finally sat down to talk, and I very seriously let him know that he will lose me over this issue. I put Bsafe Internet filtering software on the computer, and I monitor him closely now. He also meets with a few friends who have the same struggles. It's almost been a year now since he has looked at porn. He told me the other day excitedly that this is the first year since he was 11 years old that he has gone without porn. A lot of guys he talks to think I went overboard, that it is just a struggle that guys have and that there is nothing that can be done about it. My husband is nothing but grateful for my reaction, though.\nI never got angry or cried in front of him; I was just hurt and upset. I spoke to him with a clear head, and my words were well-thought-out. He knows that I really will leave him. I am not afraid to be on my own. No matter how much I love him, I can't send the message that he can do what he wants, because I do believe that one day he would cheat on me with another person if he continued to look at porn. My husband looks at it as an addiction, and I wish more people were able to see it that way. Our marriage is so great now. There will always be an element of trust missing, but sometimes I feel like that is something that will keep our marriage safe. We grew stronger out of it in the end, and there is nothing to hide and nothing that can be embarrassing. Thank you for listening.
Working Past the Porn
------
Dear Working Past the Porn,
Thanks for sharing something so personal. \nYou made it clear -- if you don't respect me, I will leave you. And you were willing to leave. Thankfully, he loves you more than he loves porn. That said, I know a lot of people are going to have a problem with the concept that every partner who looks at porn will ultimately cheat. There's nothing to support this. But what's irrefutably true is that the moment a partner begins lying, sneaking and keeping secrets is the moment porn goes from being a diversion to being \ndestructive.
