It's no-pants Monday

This semester has unofficially been named the semester of pantslessness. It seems that just as Lance Bass came out of the closet, Wranglers and Levi's are being tossed back in.\nAfter five long days of classes, I have not seen one pair of pants. Not a khaki cargo or denim capri in sight because, apparently, leggings have joined forces with Pinky and the Brain to try and take over the world. Isn't this crossing some new casual/skanky border? What's next? Are boy-short undies that say "I love to cuddle" going to be appropriate for statistics class? Are a G-string and a wifebeater now perfect for your professor's office hours? And where the hell is Levi Strauss?\nDon't get me wrong here, folks, I'm a hard-core leggings fan. I sport them everywhere. I doodle "Teri + Leggings" all over my notebook and hide it whenever leggings come near. I eat leggings with toast and Smucker's for breakfast. \nStill, if you'll notice, under "Relationship Status," my Facebook profile says, "It's Complicated" with "Leggings." Here's my problem: Leggings are not pants. Leggings are extraneous -- like pepper or KY Jelly. You'll manage without them, but they're nice to keep around. So ... leggings with a denim mini? Great. Leggings with an extra-long sweater and a belted waist? Adorable. Leggings with a Gary Coleman-sized LaCoste polo? I'm throwing up in my mouth a little. I don't want to see all you've got to offer before the first date, lady.\nAnd what goes with that great pair of nondescript leggings but a Fruit of the Loom T-shirt you bought at Dollar Tree? I understand the need for bland simplicity in a wardrobe; I can shop at The Gap. But come on. You're not James Dean -- or, more appropriately, Jane Dean. I'm betting you white-shirted gals out there don't even get that reference and you're Facebooking Jane Dean as we speak. You're wondering, "Who is this chick? Do you think I can borrow that Hanes Her Way V-neck she's wearing in her pic?"\nInstead, let's pair those bad boys with a long flowered tank and some oversized jewelry. Give those leggings more love than a T-shirt you bought pre-wrapped in cheap plastic and cardboard. They're crying out to you.\nSadly, there's one more piece to add to this trifecta of unfortunate fashion. You've all seen it before, adorning necks and wrists alike with its charm-ing goodness. It makes that wonderful statement: "My boyfriend loves me so much that he bought me the one of the cheapest pieces of garbage that Tiffany & Co.'s sells to make me happy." \nSorry to break the news to you like this, but your ugly Tiffany's chain does not bring all the jealous girls to the yard. I'd be more fulfilled if my boyfriend bought me a pack of wide-ruled loose-leaf notebook paper and a broken dildo. And nobody over the age of 6 likes wide-ruled notebook paper.\nIt's not like your boyfriend knew to buy that ridiculous necklace; we all know you told him to. Straight guys don't know Tiffany's from Scotty's. And don't act like you didn't like the gift, like that time he bought you that singing bass for your anniversary. \nLet's clear one thing up: I'm not trying to tell you what to wear. It's more of a TLC "What Not to Wear" sort of deal. But the honest truth is just that Levi Strauss and I are, well, intimate. We've got a hot thing going on, and I just miss him a whole lot. Him and Baby Suri. \nLet's bring pants back.