No more Taco Bell boxers

Welcome, straight men, to How to Dress Like A Gay Man But Still Get Laid By Chicks 101. \nWe're all a little older now; we're in college. Or we're out of high school, at least. That's something, so let's celebrate by looking like we're out of high school. Now, boys, I'm not saying you should clean out Men's Warehouse and start sporting suits and ties to class (although you'll like the way you look ... that one guy guarantees it.) Still, there are some flawless techniques to look mature while still getting girls to slap your ass and call you Daddy, so let's get this party started.\nLast weekend you might have done 16 beer bongs, puked in a stranger's sink and woke up next to some chick wearing only a tube top and a mustache. That's college. So, even if you're not really a grown-up yet, let's fake it, shall we? \nFirst things first, pull up your pants. Your "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" boxers aren't sexy. They don't make me want you; they make me want a baja chalupa. \nLike I said, you don't have to be a grown-up to dress like one. Similarly, you don't have to be gay to dress like one. For example, I can't even count the number of times I've suggested to my guy friends to try on some tighter jeans. I'm not talking I-can-see-your-scrotum jeans, just a great slim-fit, boot-cut. \n"That's gay." You're right. Buying these jeans is like filling out your Homosexuals of America application with a feather pen and purple ink ... No, letting some guy wearing black see-through mesh stick his tongue down your throat in the bathroom of a well-lit club is gay. Wearing nice-fitting jeans is like putting a chick magnet in your boxer briefs. Chirp, chirp, boys, chirp, chirp.\nAnd I have to ask: What's with those sexually explicit Abercrombie & Fitch shirts? I mean, yeah dude, we get it. If there's a midnight game of shirts vs. skins tackle football with the ladies, you are so in. You love the vagina. You're bringing your own pigskin. Why don't you just wear a shirt that says "I LOVE POONTANG" or "GO HETEROS!" with a couple of busty cartoon cheerleaders fondling football players on the sidelines? \nI stopped wearing that hogwash when I actually started getting some; maybe you should have done the same. Try a polo or a button-up -- those vertical stripes aren't going to hurt your beer gut. T-shirts, not including the aforementioned Abercrombie shirts for the horny and obtuse, work great for class and the bars. Even Bullwinkle's.\nAll right, now you're dressed. But feet are people, too, so let's talk about them. Yes, I see you stompin' in your Air Force Ones. And you in the Crocs, don't think your rubber garden shoes are getting you a free pass to Vagina Island. They're not. I know they're uber-comfortable, and I'm sure they are a dream compared to your shoe repertoire of tennis shoes and Doc Martens. Oh God, you guys have it rough. Try balancing all your weight on two stiletto heels the size of freakin' fingernails while blisters form in six different spots of your feet ... after 11 Miller Lites. Shoes aren't that complicated, guys, so how about some Diesel sneakers or a rockin' pair of Pumas? Ditch the Crocs, and save us all, please.\nIf you follow these simple steps to dressing yourself and you're a Democrat, you'll probably get laid within seven days. Buy some petunias or make dinner for a special lady friend, and I'm guessing you'll only have to wait three to four days (or hours, depending on how long your ... petunia is.) Girls really aren't that hard to please, and sometimes we want to play midnight shirts vs. skins tackle football just as much as you guys do. Just don't show up in Crocs and Taco Bell boxers, and we'll blow the whistle.