Shut up, heart

Let's play a guessing game. There's one vital organ that is supposed to be responsible for leading you in the right direction in all of life's hard decisions. This organ is supposed to lead you to happiness. I'll give you a hint: It also pumps blood.\nDing, ding, ding! How many times did your high school guidance counselor tell you to follow your heart?\nSome of the stupidest things in the world came from following the heart. Those electronic singing fish named Big Mouth Billy Bass, gerbil figure skating, Crystal Pepsi -- all the results of people following their hearts.\nRemember that show "Felicity" on the WB? The lead character, Felicity, followed that dude to college because her heart told her to. \nHer show got canceled.\nYou've heard of World War II, I assume. Hitler was simply looking inside his heart when he led Germany to invade Poland.\nListening to your heart only leads to trouble.\nYour heart tells you to do things like become a musician or get back together with your baby daddy's loan shark cousin Gerald.\nThat's dumb.\nIt's true that your heart is linked to your emotions. But according to MSNBC, researchers at the Institute of HeartMath said the heart sends more information to the brain than the brain sends to the heart.\nIt won't shut up, and it doesn't listen.\nFeelings like anger, frustration, anxiety and insecurity change heart rhythm patterns, making them erratic. The erratic patterns are sent to the brain, and the brain interprets them as negative or stressful. All this leads to the actual feelings experienced in the chest or heart region of the body. Researchers also say the erratic heart rhythms block the ability to think clearly. \nFollowing your heart is like following a severely deranged and alcoholic penguin through an enchanted forest on a quest to find the perfect dry martini.\nFollow something else -- like your spleen.\nYour spleen will tell you to major in finance instead of art history.\nOr better yet, follow your pancreas. \nYour pancreas will tell you to date that nice, young Informatics major instead of the rebel who drives a 1996 Dodge Neon and makes you feel just a little dangerous.\nThe liver, perhaps? You can always count on your liver to say, "Hey, buddy. That hot girl in your poli sci lecture will never be attracted to you."\nIf your heart's decisions leave you in agony -- eating out of dumpsters so you can keep a job that you love or pining for Chelsea Clinton when she's clearly unattainable -- you need to tell it what's what.\nDon't quit your day job, heart. Go back to regulating the circulatory system. Or better yet, start doing stand-up at open mic night. Just stop ruining people's lives.\nIf your internal organs aren't reliable, a wise toucan once said: "Follow your nose." And look where he is now: a utopia of "frooty" flavor.