Brains and brawn

Graduate students' lives are far from easy. Between research, coursework and grading papers, many are too busy to eat or sleep, let alone exercise or take time for themselves. This is why the Graduate and Professional Student Organization introduced a new program to bribe busy grad students to relax, recoup and get fit. Those who devote 10 hours in a month will receive a free bagel and be entered in a raffle to win basketball tickets, personal training sessions at the Student Recreational Sports Center, opera tickets and more.\nAs well-intentioned as the idea is, we foresee certain inefficacies in it. Given a definition of "wellness activities" that ranges from running and strength training to shopping to reading books for pleasure to going to the movies to spending time with family, the contest seems a little lopsided.\nBelow is a sample conversation between grad students -- based on careful observation of subjects in their natural environment -- discussing the new GPSO program:\nGrad Student 1: "Man, I'm so worn out! I had to read two chapters of the latest Janet Evanovich novel before breakfast this morning."\nGrad Student 2: "Whoa, that's heavy. I jogged for 20 miles over the weekend, but that was 10 miles each day. You'd better take it easy."\nGrad Student 1: "No worries. Afterwards I treated myself to some Kant. And besides, when I got tired, I just imagined biting into that warm, spongy bagel." \nBeyond these types of situations, we foresee other problems with the GPSO's program. All activities will be reported online, using the "honor system." While we know grad students are, for the most part, honest individuals, after months of living off of Easy Mac, Keystone Light and the occasional potato, a free bagel begins to look mighty appetizing. \nThink about it: People have been known to lie, cheat and steal for bagels in the past. We feel this case might not be any different, especially if the GPSO decides to make the cream cheese complimentary, too. And once people begin lying to get their bagel fix, it will only be a matter of time before we see a repeat of the grisly poppy seed killings of '97.\nWhile the GPSO is definitely on target with its idea for this program, it seems like there are still a few kinks to "work out." Although using personal training sessions as an incentive is fitting (if ironic), the bagels and basketball tickets might need rethinking. \nIf you ask us, there's a far simpler solution to the lack of motivation grad students feel to get healthy. We propose that the GPSO gather all the grad students together for a group workout a few times a week. Grads will convene at Woodlawn Field, and administrators will dangle funding opportunities in front of them to chase around a track -- not a far cry from how graduate education works already.\nTrust us. Once you yell "Go!" there won't be a sedentary grad student in the bunch.