Fear Friday

Thank goodness it's Friday, kids. The week is over, the drinks are flowing and the fun and fornication are about to begin, right? Maybe not. I'm warning you about this Friday, though, because it's not just any Friday. Today is Friday, Oct. 13. That means one thought should be going through your mind most of the day:\n"Aw hell."\nOn Thursday afternoon I began to get this tingly feeling in my toes that seemed to say, "You're dead where you stand -- sucks to be you." But why should it suck to be me? I think it's pretty cool being me! Look at my column tag! So why should I be scared when Friday the 13th rolls around?\nFor starters, I am a member of the Knights Templar. On one particular Friday the 13th back in 1307, we red-cross-bearing bad-asses didn't have a particularly good time. King Phillip IV of France rounded up all the Knights Templar in the country and charged them with conducting Satanism. Torture ensued in order to obtain confessions. King Phillip the Fair indeed. I don't think the man will be reincarnated any time soon to come. Burn me at the stake, but we Templar still get a bit jittery every Friday the 13th.\nHowever, my paraskevidekatriaphobia (fear of Friday the 13th) is derived less from my Templar status than from my fear of STD's -- or pronouncing long words. Let me explain. \nFriday is named for Frigga, the Norse goddess of marriage, who has been merged with Freya in the language of mythology. Freya is the goddess of fertility, and in her honor, all Fridays are inherently about sex. And being unlucky in sex is not good news. I'm not worried about not having sex. That's nothing new. I'm worried that if the opportunity presents itself, I will contract a few unwanted diseases. \nDoctor Simo Nayha of Finland found that women have a statistically greater chance to die in auto accidents on Friday the 13th than any other day. I'll bet men are statistically more likely to get in trouble with their sexual practices on Friday the 13th, too. IU Health Center, be warned. \nOh no, now my palms are sweating. Breathe, just breathe.\nAs a little added hazard, I will be spending the evening of Friday the 13th drinking in close vicinity to a lake. Great idea, right? This increases my chance of death by drowning about a million percent. I think that I would much rather have Jason Voorhees come and cut my throat than die by drowning. Drowning gives me the freakin' heebie jeebies.\nTread carefully in all of your endeavors today. Do not step on cracks. Drive carefully. Wrap it up (you know what I mean). Shots of whiskey may or may not be advisable (may calm nerves, may not prevent drowning). Wear rabbits' feet for a little extra luck. And above all else, try to avoid the police.