Give your backpack some lovin'

I love all bags. Black bags, white bags -- even bags that still wear flares because they haven't gotten the memo about skinny jeans yet. But there is such a thing as too much bag.\nFor example: Girls who like to carry both a backpack and a purse on campus. Umm, what? Couldn't you just, oh, I don't know, put the stuff from your purse in your backpack? Isn't that like wearing jeans and then putting jean shorts on over them? \nI don't care if your little jean shorts are worth hella Benjamins. Hell, I wouldn't care if they were diamond-encrusted and worn to the Last Supper.\nBy the way, Louis Vuitton called. He said, "Why the hell are you spending $900 on my ugly bag? I saw the same one at Claire's yesterday. It was $14.99, and it came with a free ear-piercing."\nThe following is a list of things I would rather spend $900 on: 113 copies of Weird Al Yankovic's Greatest Hits CD, a 60-year subscription to Cat Fancy magazine or 22.5 10th Anniversary Edition Tickle Me Elmo dolls.\nWhat's so great about Louis bags? Umm ... he knows his own initials? I guess that's always a plus. Coach doesn't even have initials. Give me a break.\nWhy would you want to carry all your essentials (wallet, cell phone, Go-gurt) in the same bag as everyone else? This could get mighty confusing. You could come home from the bars with a purse full of Twizzlers and Bratz dolls. That never happens when you shop at Forever 21. And, even if it did, the price of the bag equals the approximate price of six Twizzlers. That, my friends, is called thriftiness.\nNow onto the purse's chubbier, stays--at--home--on--the--weekends older sister, the backpack. Now, "backpack" is a blanket term used to classify satchels, canteens with straps, miniature suitcases with wheels and a handle (often denoting a trip to Grandma's in large block letters and primary colors) and all other nonpurse--related items. \n"But what about paisley diaper bags? Do they count, too?" asks Vera Bradley.\n"Yes, Vera. They count," I say. But only if you're blind. And maybe deaf. Even Helen Keller managed to accessorize with a pink JanSport. That Vera Bradley bag might be paisley, but it's still screaming, "My mommy spoils me!" \nYour backpack is important, so show it some love -- perhaps in the form of leather or a nice printed canvas. You know who loves canvas? Mischa Barton. She loves canvas so much that she is marrying it and starring in a major ad campaign to promote it. \nHere is my point: Mischa Barton is the only person in the free world who can wear those canvas Keds and still be cool.\nKidding. Well, no, but here is my real point: Backpacks are like boyfriends. They carry your books and feel you up in public, so they better be pretty.\nPurses, on the other hand, aren't that important. When you're going to the bars and finally leaving the gaucho pants at home, your outfit should do all the talking. You're not going to shack up because your teeny-tiny Coach purse had one too many tequila shots and showed a little too much cleavage. \nYour backpack might be the purse's chubbier older sister, but its ass is out of this world.