ONLINE ONLY: Man's best friend?

I don't like animals. OK, I said it. I confess, I don't like them, not one bit. This isn't to say I hate animals. I have befriended a handful or two in my lifetime, and I don't wish death upon all your pets or anything. That said, I won't apologize for eating meat, and the only thing stopping me from buying a fabulous fur coat is my tragically empty wallet. More than these, though, I can't get it up for your pet just because it is an animal.\nPet things I abhor:\n• Your pet jumping on me and sniffing my crotch. I find this rude and inappropriate. I accept that your pet isn't a person. However, Fido can't have it both ways. We're either going to have a human-friend relationship or we will relate as human and animal. Either way, I don't care, but tell your dog to get out of my crotch and stop knocking me over if you want us to be friends. \n• Pictures of your pet. Your animal looks exactly like every other of its kind to me. I know how desperately you want me to be excited about this creature, but I just don't get it. I might fake it and say, "Aw, that's cute." But I don't think it's cute. I think it's irritating. I would rather look at pictures of you, your family, other humans. I don't show you photos of my computer, which I like probably as much as you like your pet. My computer (her name is Gertrude) actually knows the meaning of personal space. Gertrude tells me important information, like the weather and when I have e-mails. Your dog just makes on the carpet. \n• The smell of your animal when it breathes in/licks my face. Like the crotch invasion, your creature should learn the meaning of personal space. I have met a few dogs in my day that understood this concept. Well, either they understood it or were too old to be interested in getting all up in my business. Regardless, they're better for it.\n• The fact that your pet wears a Halloween costume, a sweater, a tutu, etc. Nothing is more frightening than an animal in clothing. There are probably children in Third World countries who could use sweaters, but you are choosing to give one to your pet instead. I can guarantee your cat hates it. Your dog might tolerate it but probably just because it doesn't get it. Don't animals have built-in clothes anyway? I thought so. Actually, I know they do because that's what I would use to make my fur coat, if I could afford it.\nThere's an old phrase that goes, "Love me, love my dog." If that's the way it goes, your animal and I can co-exist, but don't put your pet above humans. It's creepy and weird, and I can't get it up for that. Excuse me, now, I need to go eat a steak.