Slavic sex, floor 5

When Al Gore invented the Internet, lives of countless Americans were changed. \nLegless people with excessive nose hair growth, for instance, could now buy trimmers online, greatly increasing their ability to detect subtle farts. Obese people could now detail their personal weight struggles in their online blogs, allowing for normal-sized people to not care on six different continents. \nThe Internet also opened up a new world of pornography. Softcore addicts, like myself, can now frolic in a glorious meadow of semi-nude Mark Wahlberg thumbnail pics. As a result, my hard drive is so frequently constipated I've begun downloading monthly enemas.\nAt IU, one of the Internet's most useful tools is the search engine. Rather than following the convoluted "yellow brick road" of library research, students can now give their "ruby-red" mice three simple clicks, which immediately transports them to an online destination.\nAfter all, there's no place like Google. \nThe only reason students go to the library anymore is to get laid. \nIndeed, the main library has transformed into quite the brothel. According to the Facebook group, "I Would Totally Have Sex in the Library," a number of scandalous students have been "getting jiggy" in the stacks -- putting the "do" back in "Dooey Decimal System," if you will.\nThus, in order to confirm this myth, I decided to be a truly investigative journalist and search for library fornicators. \nI was Katie Couric. \n8 p.m. -- Friday -- Main library:\nAfter walking through a thick cloud of cigarette smoke, I arrived at the library's lobby -- and finally inhaled. The air inside was ripe with sadomasochistic smells -- a sultry mix of leather-bound books and escalator lubricant. \nI quickly ventured to the elevator and looked at the buttons, wondering on which floors I would be most likely to witness sexual intercourse. \nI pressed buttons "6" and "9." \nI was on my way up, looking for people goin' down. However, when the doors finally parted, I was greeted with an icy silence. The ninth floor was cold and completely barren -- like Nicole Richie's refrigerator. Shivering in my tiny Gap tee, I felt like an "Eski-homo" -- freezing ... and miles away from my fashionably decorated igloo. \nFinally, I found another life form -- a library cadet who was patrolling the stacks. Immediately, I asked about his familiarity with this library legend. \n"At (cadet) orientation, I heard first-hand stories of people doing the nasty (in the stacks)," he said. \n"Do you know on what floor?" I asked. \nHe paused, stroking his chin in recollection. \n"I can't remember," he said. "Whatever floor the Slavic languages are on."\nNaturally. Because nothing raises libidos quite like the erotic language of Slavs. \nHence, I voyaged with speedy legs to the fifth floor. However, much to my dismay, this area was merely an extension of library Alaska -- cold and desolate. \nPerhaps the temperature had urged couples to romp elsewhere, simply for fear of genital frostbite. Or maybe people finally figured out a way to avoid the library all together. \nAfter all, sex and research are much easier to get online.