Bump the crotch up a notch

Welcome to my panties. \nToday, they are light pink and boy-cut. They say "I heart to cuddle" on my booty. I love them and, oh boy, do I love to cuddle!\nVictoria's Secret splits its panties into nine sexy categories: bikinis, boyshorts, briefs, hiphuggers, low-rise, tangas, thongs, v-strings and no-show panties. That's a lot of panty.\nPanties are so important to Victoria's Secret that its sales associates are not even allowed to refer to the panties as "underwear." Next time you're bored, try to get them to say it. They won't do it. \nSo, one question arises: What kind are you wearing? And, also, what the hell are tangas? That's a question for another column, though.\nThe truth is, panties are crucial. They're like the secret ingredient in your special sauce. Say, for example, that your outfit is filet mignon. It's a juicy porterhouse of Dolce & Gabbana with a Manolo Blahnik sauce -- your spicy red thong is the perfect touch for a perfect plate. It makes you feel even zestier. And say, for example, that you're scarfing down leftover Aeropostale sweatpants with a side of Keds -- your spicy red thong will at least make you somewhat edible. \nYou might not look like a goddess, but you should start treating your vagina like one.\nPanties are unquestionably given far less attention than other attire. So why devote time and money to something most people never see? \nThere are two reasons. First, everything feels better in a great G-string. Put a little silk in your nether regions, and you'll be smiling all day. Second, you never know when you might have to show it off.\nYou could meet a charming stranger in the Dollar Spot aisle at Target. You could seduce the Jimmy John's guy when he delivers your "Vito." You could stand in front of Ballantine Hall wearing a sandwich board sign that reads "You're Not Too Ugly For Me." Regardless, opportunities are everywhere. You don't want to be missing out on the action just because you're sporting that "Dora the Explorer" underwear your aunt bought for you last Easter. \nI'm sure the ladies out there can relate. Say you're hooking up with a new guy, and he finally strips down to his skivvies, only to reveal a tattered pair of "ALF" boxers? Not so sexy. Of all sitcom puppets, ALF is statistically the least erotic.\nSo let's avoid those situations from now on. \n"How?" you ask. You've got to stay on your toes. Or, in this case, on your ass. If your undergarments don't make you feel hot, they certainly won't make anyone else feel frisky, either.\nThe good thing is that sexy underwear is not that hard to find. It's actually ugly underwear that requires effort. (Who's making that effort, I'm not sure.) Even the Pink collection from Victoria's Secret is sexy, and it's made for girls going through puberty. And most pairs feature multi-colored cartoon dogs.\nSo my advice is this: Always be prepared. Stock up on sexy things for your bod, and it'll thank you for it. Maybe it'll even snag you a stud.\nAnd, for the guys who are reading this and asking themselves why they're still reading -- try buying a lucky lady friend some G-string goodness. She might slap you, or she might let you spank her. The odds are bad, but it's probably worth it.