Fear and loathing

You might have heard of the book and movie "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." Unfortunately, fear and loathing have spread well beyond Sin City -- just ask Rev. Ted Haggard.\nLast week, allegations of meth use and extramarital sex were brought against the recently dismissed leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. Supposedly, Haggard met a male escort each month for "massages," drugs and sex. Haggard initially denied all accusations but later confessed that he had to be removed as pastor because of "sexual immorality."\nNow, it looks like Haggard's monthly massages might have had "happy endings." It's a pity his life story isn't headed in the same direction.\nHaggard is clearly filled with fear and self-loathing. His "confession" to his former congregation stated: "There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life." The letter continued: "For extended periods of time, I would enjoy victory and rejoice in freedom ... Then, from time to time, the dirt that I thought was gone would resurface." Because he couldn't communicate his "problems," "the darkness increased and finally dominated" him. \nDirt. Repulsion. Dominated by darkness. At war with oneself. Those are ugly words to describe an intrinsic part of one's identity. They signal the extreme desperation Haggard must have felt living a life hiding in the miserable and psychologically destructive closet that his loving church home helped create and that he actively bolstered. \nHaggard's evangelical buddies have done their part to build a confining closet for gay parishioners, too. James Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, gave a scary Halloween radio address about the haunting and horrific possibility of "same-sex marriage in places all over the country" in order to spook his followers to the polls. Dobson fails to realize that the homophobia he imparts is the real demon.\nBut the chorus of fear and loathing becomes more haunting when led by people like Haggard. Filled with self-hatred, they often preach a little louder in hopes of suppressing and denying their own unchanging reality.\nRoss Parsley, Haggard's interim replacement at New Life Church, told his congregation Sunday: "We all feel worse today than we did a week ago, but we were worse off a week ago," and, "You're watching healing and restoration start to occur as we go through this process."\nHe's exactly right. They were worse off before this happened. Not because the "evil" truth about Haggard was hidden, but because the destructive consequence of their homophobia was unrevealed.\nAnd they should feel worse. Not because their spiritual leader has "fallen," but because they were complicit in the culture that taught him to hate and punish himself.\nUnfortunately, Parsley has a different idea of "healing and restoration" that likely involves Haggard's rehabilitation and continued repression. True healing and spiritual rebirth will not occur until we abandon a culture of fear and loathing that constructs isolating, destructive closets in which tormented souls like Haggard feel compelled to hide.