In light of Lindsay Lohan's recent e-mail debacle and the fact that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I have decided to take this opportunity to make a similar public statement in response to Lindsay's. Here is my own e-mail. Please enjoy.
Lindsay,\nHappy holidays! We hear you loud and clear. And let me say, as a local celebrity here in Bloomington, I totally know how you feel.\nSometimes, when I'm out, people will take pictures of me, and then they will tag them on Facebook. Sometimes I have to untag them because they depict me in an unflattering light. If I promise to help you with the tabloids, do you think you could get Bill and Hillary to help me too with Facebook phototaggers? Like you said: "I have had many ups and downs, as do we all." Thanks for remembering that it isn't just you out there but all of us, like me, too. And is it fair for these ups and downs to be published on Facebook? Or tabloids? No.\nPeople ARE mean, Lindsay. You are right.\nAnd Al Gore's political influence can definitely help put a stop to it. You've got the right idea. \nI know you think we should "sue the tabloids for saying the things they say," but why stop there? I think we should start a class-action lawsuit against all mean people and gossipers. \nI've been wronged by gossip. You've been wronged by gossip. There are two right there. I bet we can find even more if we play our cards right and connect with the right people. Let's punish the mean people and gossipers for what they've done. Actually, while we're at it, can we pass an amendment banning cruelty and malice? With your political influence and my good looks, anything is possible.\nAnd you are right about tabloids. Tabloids DO hurt everyone. I remember when I read about you doing coke and about how you were looking like a skeleton. That hurt me. I was so worried about you. To think it was all lies made up by the press just to hurt us is a thought almost too painful to bear. \nSomeone needs to stop this, and I am proud of you for using your influence to better the world. You said it best when you wrote: "Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see." Maybe someone will help. Like you said: "if we just ask. If we just ASK."\nWe SHOULD start now. I agree. And I know that you're "doing it either way," but I want you to know that I am with you in your "way of the future."
-- That's where my e-mail to Lindsay must end. At least, that's the last part before we start gossiping about Wilmer Valderrama and other dudes she's boned.\nAnd again, in the words of Lindsay,\nThank you for your time\nYour Entertainer,\nJessica Simendinger
