Function over fashion: when the weather determines style

Last week, I seriously began wondering what kind of social detriment I would incur if I brought ski masks back to the campus.\nWhile crying and slicing off my three frostbitten toes Wednesday, I realized that, yes, the time for ski masks has arrived. And I have come to tell you of their glory.\nJust think of all the ski mask possibilities -- such as a skin-colored mask with custom-made fabric ears and hair sewn on. No one would even know you were wearing winter headgear and you could impress them with your Antarctic ability to withstand the cold. \nOr, how about celebrity ski masks? If you're feeling a little chubby one morning, slap on your Tyra Banks mask and head to class. Wake up still drunk? I think that calls for a Lindsay Lohan.\nOK, so this entire column is not about ski masks. (Let's face it: No one has manufactured a Flavor Flav mask yet, and I'm not sure I want to be a proponent for the ski mask industry without it.)\nBut even without masks, there are still a plethora of ways to stay snug and warm in the wicked cold. Snowsuits, for one, are highly underrated.\nActually, gloves are on my must-have list right now. But not those 3-for-$5'ers from CVS. No way. Gloves are like coats -- you wear them everyday, so don't buy them from a bin. Leather gloves work best for both guys and gals; they're uber-warm, stylish, and can double for bondage play in the bedroom. Can your CVS gloves offer that much? Oh, gross, I hope not.\nAnd how about "winter's necklace," the scarf? You don't even have to have a scarf to wear one, just cut stuff up and people will think you are being innovative. I cut up my bed sheets once, high on adrenaline and, for no reason at all, desperately seeking something long with bright yellow jersey knit. And it still looked slammin'.\nAnother great thing about scarves, which is highly underutilized, is the manner in which you wear it. There's the sleek look, with the scarf just hanging off the shoulders like a limp Stretch Armstrong doll, as opposed to the wrap around, with the scarf wrapped around the neck tighter than those African neck-stretching rings. There are, of course, many other modes of attack when it comes to scarves, but describing them here would be like typing out origami instructions -- not fun for either of us. But, I do encourage you to get to know your scarf, intimately.\nA third key to staying lukewarm this winter is the ever-popular beanie. Now, heed my warning: Not everybody is a beanie-body. Ladies with a "gym teacher haircut", or something equally as short, beware. This is not the look for you. Also, guys with longer hair have nothing to worry about, unless it's an afro -- you can only fit so much stuff in one suitcase. But for dudes with shorter hair, it all depends on the beanie. Just don't mess it up with one of those early-'90s Grateful Dead tie-dyed ones. \nIf hats don't tickle your freezing fancy, then white, fluffy ear muffs would be an adventurous turn to take. At the very least, they couldn't be any worse than those white, furry Mukluk boots I've been spotting on campus. (Um, ma'am, there's a baby albino leopard ferociously eating your boots. You might want to feed it your Uggs.)\nHopefully, this advice will keep everyone warm and toasty in this brutal, angry stepdad of a winter. And if not, vodka tonics help.