Welcome to the future: where leggings cost $100K

Thanks to NASA robotics specialist Lisa Nowak, diapers and attempted murder have suddenly become en vogue. Shortly after Nowak was arrested from her 900-mile journey, where she used diapers instead of pulling over, Britney Spears was caught shaving her head in a lavender Stella McCartney diaper.\nWe should have seen it coming when Prada paired up with Huggies for its spring 2007 line. The emaciated, diaper-clad models waddled onto the runway to Madonna’s new club single “Get Me Wet” and presented a range of versatile looks – diapers over leggings, diapers underneath mod mini dresses, even mini diaper handbags for ultimate protection. Overactive bladders are on the rise.\nAnd we owe it all to NASA. I’m glad to see where the future of space exploration is headed in this country. (It’s headed cross-country to the Orlando International Airport and it is not stopping for any pansy bathroom breaks.)\nActually, NASA is shooting off rockets on the runway – not with diaper rockets (gross), but with futurism – the latest and greatest trend that’s happening right now.\nFuturism is a new, space-age twist on fashion. Categorized mainly by flashy metallic colors and aerodynamic structures, futurism is how fashion magnates view the future of style. (Shocking!) It is, quite literally, ahead of its time. And, just like watching Tyra Banks smack her “fat ass” on my DVR, I can’t get enough of it.\nFuturism is like “The Jetsons” meets Reynolds Wrap. The color palette mainly lingers around metallic silver and gold, with occasional interruptions of black and white patent leather or small bursts of neon shades. The structure of the pieces varies, but sleek lines and geometric shapes are key. Apparently, the future looks a hell of a lot like the ’80s.\nMany designers have already jumped on the future bandwagon (or, hovercraft, if you will). Spring and summer collections from Burberry to Balenciaga, Lanvin to Lagerfeld, all showcase a certain perception of the future. Balenciaga’s future, designed by Nicolas Ghesquiere, includes bronze metallic robot leggings that look like armor and cost about $100,000, for leggings.\nRobotic undergarments aside, there is one major flaw in futurism’s design – the clothes are part of a fantasy that, when worn outside the context of a runway, will more than likely get you publicly ridiculed. Or egged, at the very least. But this is not uncommon when it comes to runway trends, so I am here to translate runway to reality.\nFirst, you’ll need three rolls of heavy-duty aluminum foil, masking tape and a toaster oven. Make it work!\nJust kidding, this isn’t “Project Runway” season 95. (Although, the prospect of a cute Tim Gunn robot does get me off a little bit.) \nUnlike haute couture, ready-to-wear places an emphasis on the individual pieces of an outfit. Therefore, you simply need to place one or two futuristic piece into an outfit and voila! Fantasy meets reality. For example, layer a sparkly tank over a hot-green T-shirt or pair a space age-y mini dress with black or white leggings. Don’t overdo it on the glitz – for every futuristic piece, make sure you add a little something from BoreTown, USA to keep it neutral.\nShoes are also a vital part of this look. Platform heels, in particular, were stepping all over the runway looking just as futuristic as their clothing counterparts. These shoes are high and mighty, patent leather masterpieces that could literally take out an extraterrestrial eye or two (or three). \nBut, of course, those killer heels won’t really work on campus, unless you’re an advocate for swollen appendages or being really, really tall. Metallic flats are the best way to go in this situation. They’re low-key and comfortable, but sparkly enough to temporarily blind strangers and warrant compliments. Your feet can be in Studio 54 while the rest of you is sleeping through A110: Introduction to Computers and Computing.\nSo, folks, the future is here and it’s riding a segue. Jump on or you’ll get left behind!