Wishes do come true: An interview with Bob Saget

I've always felt a mysteriously deep kinship with Bob Saget. A cosmic connection. A spiritual bond so powerful it can bend certain metals. \nAt first, I thought it was just a physical attraction -- an internal octopus of hormonal passion, swinging its wild tentacles of desire. But the more I watched "Full House," the greater this sensation became, transcending the shallow realm of mere lust. The feeling seemed mythical -- magical - like dry-humping a unicorn. \nI knew it was love. \nThus, when I was informed by the IDS that I would get to actually interview Bob Saget, who's promoting his new NBC show, I was ecstatic. \nThe host of "America's Funniest Home Videos" talking with America's funniest homo? \nIt doesn't get any better than that.\nThough the interview was going to be via conference call, I still wanted to look hot for Bob Saget. So, I got my hair cut professionally, bathed twice with Ivory soap and bought new boxer briefs from H&M, made of 88 percent spandex. \nWhen the interview finally came, the day before Valentine's Day, my excitement level -- like the elasticity of my underpants-- was near 88 percent. Yet as soon as the interview began, Bob Saget's omnipotent presence was able to lull me into a state of tranquility. \nFor many minutes, Bob Saget spoke to me -- primarily about his experiences in returning to network television. One of my first questions involved the relative similarity between his show, "1 vs. 100," and its predecessor, "Deal or No Deal." I asked what he considered to be the biggest differences. \n"We don't have briefcases," Bob Saget replied, "And also I'm willing to full-frontally touch someone. Although Howie and I do touch full-frontally, we just don't use hands." \nAs he spoke, his words spoke with a warm, airy resonance. His voice was like a vanilla cupcake -- frosted with a smooth, creamy tone and sprinkled with scattered bits of colorful inflection. \nContrary to his smooth cadence, his wit was razor-sharp -- the kind of wit you could use to stab Republicans. With every question posed, he offered a response that was not only instantaneously funny, but eloquently stated. It's the same comedic harness that has made his recently released movie parody, "Farce of the Penguins," such an instant success. \n"They can't keep it in stock," Bob Saget said. "It's out at all the Blockbusters and it's selling out everywhere on Amazon.com. ... People love it." \nThe mention of love got my blood pumping -- fast -- and propelled me to ask him the question I'd been waiting to ask all my life. \n"Do you have any plans for Valentine's Day?" I asked, my armpits overactive. "If not, would you like to spend the day with me?"\n"I do, I really want to be with you," Bob Saget said. "But ... I've got a girlfriend." \n"Not a problem," I thought to myself as I cackled and slipped into a diaper. "Not a problem"