New Turtle movie sucks

In the early '90s, I lived and breathed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I watched the cartoons and movies, had the pizza shooters and toothpaste, and words like "Cowabunga!" and "tubular" were staples in my vocabulary. After a decade without Ninja Turtles, I was absolutely ecstatic to hear that a new movie would be coming out. This is why it killed me to see the latest incarnation of the TMNT franchise.\nThe film follows a painfully unclear backstory involving a man named Max Winters (Patrick Stewart), who gained eternal life at the expense of turning his friends into stone. He then reanimates the stone figures in order to capture 13 evil beasts with the aid of another army of ninjas at the 3,000-year anniversary of the stars aligning, so he can realize his vision of world domination. Or not. In the few minutes, the film makes Winters appear evil because he wants to cause destruction, but in the end, I'm reasonably sure that wasn't his intent. If that isn't murky enough for you, try watching it. It only makes less sense.\nOf course, it's not the story that us old-timers come for; it's the chance to relive our past and get another look at the heroes who meant so much to us in our youth. The problem with this expectation lies in that nothing is how it used to be. At the beginning of the movie, the Turtles are no longer working together. Leonardo is training in Central America, Michelangelo and Donatello are both holding down day jobs, and only Raphael continues his vigilante justice under the disguise of The Nightwatcher. \nThese are not the characters who we grew up with. Their personalities from the show and old movies are barely touched upon, and the Turtle who gets the most screen time is the brooding, dark Raphael, easily the most boring of the bunch. Every Turtle is such a wuss, I'm tempted to check under those shells and make sure nothing is missing. Also, April O'Neil (Sarah Michelle Gellar) no longer works as a news reporter, is dating Casey Jones, and somehow picked up a third-degree black belt in every martial art, a boob job, bug eyes and Brian Urlacher's calves. \nFirst-time director Kevin Munroe does his best to distance himself from old storylines as much as possible and succeeds, to no one's enjoyment. The CG is a far cry from the two-dimensional show we knew and loved, and while the choice to update the Turtles for a new generation is understandable, aside from one skateboard trip in a sewer, the graphics are nothing special. The faux-anime style of the film is disappointing for old fans who were expecting something a little more upbeat, as the general mood of the film is somewhere between "darker" and "darkest." Of the handful of jokes that do exist, all but one or two fall completely flat. There is nothing uniquely TMNT in here, as pretty blatant rip-offs of franchises such as "Lord of the Rings" are seen in the first 10 minutes. \nThis film does nothing for fans of the original looking to get one of their first true tastes of nostalgia and won't get a younger crowd to embrace the "Heroes in a Half-Shell." The only thing it makes me want to do is find my TMNT pajamas, crawl under my TMNT sheets and think about the good old days.