Slumber party with Lindsay Lohan and Fergie

Being the great son that I am, I headed back home last weekend to spend Easter with the fam, only to find out I'd be spending the weekend alone. Of all my friends from home, only one opted to make the trip back. And when I called her to see what she was doing, I was notified that she'd be spending her whole Friday night watching her recently purchased "The Complete First Season of Beverly Hills 90210." Sounded good enough to me, I had nothing else to do, but halfway through the night hanging out at the Peach Pit just wasn't cutting it for me. Maybe I couldn't handle that not one seemingly hot rich person didn't have some sort of hidden demons or those disgusting insanely patterned sweaters they loved so much or how awkward Tori Spelling looked back in her teens or how frustrated I got when Brenda couldn't locate Dylan at a hotel (come on, even Zack Morris had a cell phone). I took off early, but wasn't ready to call it a night. I knew there was no chance of any human contact, and suddenly it hit me -- a way to contact my celebrity friends I'd never even thought of before: MySpace. Everyone's on MySpace these days, surely my favorite celebrity friends would be, too. I put my pajamas on, pulled out my laptop and got in bed to have a slumber party with my friends.\nOne problem: I don't have a MySpace account. I'm a devout Facebook follower and have always viewed MySpace as the trashier version. But if I wanted to conduct my experiment, I'd have to cross over to the dark side and make an account. After going through the initial setup, I took out my camera, parted my hair slightly to the left over my eye, held my camera out in front of me, turned my head to the right and titled my chin slightly up to take the obligatory emo profile picture. \nWho would I friend first?! Since I'd been waiting in agony for the last week for the new "Entourage" episodes to start, I figured I'd start with Vinny, Drama, Turtle, E and Ari. Upon locating the "Entourage" page, my brilliant plan suddenly didn't seem so smart. The guys already had 67,586 friends. Clearly I wasn't the first person to have this idea. After adding the group as a friend, I was told I'd have to wait for their confirmation. What the hell? I felt so rejected. At least with Facebook an actual person has to check you out to see if they want to confirm the friendship; here I was trying to look good for a computer. So I moved on to Turtle's profile to find under his dislikes "I hate 'Viking Quest.'" I laughed about this for about five minutes and then noticed my friend request had been confirmed. Sweet.\nNext I decided to hit up Lindsay Lohan. Now Linds and I have hit a rough patch in the last few years, what with all her coke-whore partying, but back in her "Mean Girls" prime, I had quite the crush on La Lohan. No luck, all I could find was a bunch of fan Web sites. I settled for a made-up profile of Cady Heron, but clearly the 12 year-old girl who made this had no idea what she was doing.\nZach Braff's profile was exactly what I was looking for. Not only did he confirm he'd be back for a seventh season of "Scrubs" (YES!!!!!), but his blog was actually pretty funny and made me feel like I was having a conversation with the guy. Plus, he's friends with a bunch of super cool trendy indie musicians, most of whom were on the "Garden State" soundtrack, so I put on my square-rimmed glasses and clicked on one of their profiles. Being a huge Ben Folds fan, I opted for him.\nUnfortunately Ben's profile taught me what I would be learning for the next several hours from other people's profiles. Most celebs only use MySpace for PR purposes. They put up music clips, announce tour dates, offer merchandise, etc. My favorite comedian Sarah Silverman is still plugging her 2-year-old (but still amazing) movie, "Jesus is Magic," Kelly Clarkson offered no news of when we'll all be able to rock out to her new CD, and Britney Spears' profile is as blank as her scalp.\nMy MySpace adventure had clearly peaked. Most of the biggest celebrities (Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Will Ferrell) don't even have profiles, and only a few seem to actually have any involvement with their own site. But then I realized maybe I was shooting too high. For the ultimate MySpace experience, I should be stalking, er, checking up on celebs who scream the epitome of MySpace. I found all the hoochiness I'd been seeking on Fergie's profile. Paris Hilton would surely be dishing dirt on her site, although surprisingly she fell into the album promotion category, which upset me, a.) because it was a wasted opportunity for celeb trash talking and, b.) I completely forgot she released an album, which sucks, because, um, well, I kind of thought "Stars are Blind" was awesome. Teeny Boppers/"High School Musical" stars Vanessa Hudgens and Corbin Bleu were all about letting fans know how "deep," "grown-up," and "mature" they are. Fall Out Boy's site felt more like Postsecret.com than a band's Web site. Even K-Fed's still pushing for a career on his Web site. (But where's the look at me now, I'm better than Britney banner across the page?.\nAfter hours of scrolling and clicking, I decided to call it a night. I learned that MySpace is more of an outlet for celebs' publicists, and if I wanted to actually pretend to be their friends and learn things about them, I should stick to their appearances on Letterman and Conan and stay updated through Us Weekly.