Super-secret crush

Pssst. You look like someone I can trust. Something about your gentle eyes and warm smile makes me think you can keep a secret. So I’m going to tell you about my super-secret crush. But first you have to promise not to tell anyone. You promise? OK. Forgive me if I start blushing.\nMy covert amore started out as an infatuation but has reached a crush of atomic proportions. I have to keep it on the down low because crushes can be dangerous and I think people are starting to catch on to my secret affections à la Bonnie Raitt’s “Something to Talk About.”\nThe International Crush Agency said I failed to comply with the crush Non-Proliferation Treaty by keeping my love a secret. The United Nations Crush Council demanded that I put a stop to my wild, school-girl fancies.\nBut let’s be real. It’s tough to have a crush. Telling someone to stop a crush would be like demanding a 13-year-old to take down that Justin Timberlake poster or telling a country to give up its nuclear technology program.\nMaybe a crush is as innocent as an industrial age of nuclear power. Or maybe the heart doodles all over my notebook could turn into something more dangerous like Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.” No doubt, a girl with a crush can be as hazardous as a nuclear reactor. I just want to see if this flame could develop into something more, but what if there are dire consequences?\nI know, I know. You want me to stop crushing before I’m picking out bride’s maid gowns, booking a Hall & Oats cover band for the reception and ordering weapons-grade uranium center pieces. What could be so great about this crush anyway?\nI guess I was first attracted to the sense of mystery. No one can really get into this hottie’s head, not even atomic energy inspectors.\nDeep down, everyone has a carnal desire for a little danger. When the United States and other world powers accuse someone of secretly developing nuclear weapons, it’s kind of a turn-on. My crush denies any plans for weapons, but the uranium enrichment process can produce fuel for nuclear reactors or if taken to the next level, material for atomic bombs. Meow.\nI admit it. I’m crushing on Iran. Is it totally obvious?\nI don’t know why the good girls always want the bad boys.\nThe more sanctions the United Nations places on Iran for refusing to stop uranium enrichment, the more attracted I am. \nAssets are frozen. Want to get coffee sometime? Iranian arms exports are banned. Want to meet my parents?\nMaybe the rebellion is a turn-on when Iran rejects the sanctions or refuses to cooperate with nuclear watchdogs. Or maybe I’m just trying to make North Korea jealous.\nDear Iran,\nDo you like me? (Circle one.)\nYes.\nNo.\nMaybe.