Excessive drinking

Now that researchers have discovered the cure for two of the world’s most devastating illnesses, cancer and AIDS, they finally have the time to tackle a real problem: bland beer. \nJim Koch, president of Boston Beer Company, brewer of the Samuel Adams line, rolled out a scientifically designed pint glass designed by beer engineers, beergineers, if you will, whose sole purpose is to improve the taste of a lackluster lager. Though Koch admits the glass “will not make Natty Light taste like Sam Adams,” the nucleation site built into the bottom of the cup will apparently, somehow, for no real good reason, enhance flavor and aroma.\nAmong the glass’ many technological refinements is a beaded rim, which according to the company “creates turbulence, releasing aromas as beer enters mouth;” an outward-turned lip to sharpen “sweetness detection;” and the pièce de résistance: a “nucleation site lasered into the bottom for increased hop aroma release.” Even if any of these advances in drinking technology can only be understood by the heaviest drinkers, Koch insists the glass is not merely a clever marketing ploy, it’s serious business.\nBut if marketing isn’t the goal, then why stop at an $8 product? Why not take beer consumption to a whole new level. Since time immemorial beer drinkers have been relegated to the traditional method of intoxication—whether it’s a standard glass, a funnel attached to a plastic tube, or sucking it directly out of the keg, the commonality is the mouth.\nInstead of spending precious time and money on new containers, Koch and his team ought to be researching alternative methods of inebriation, such as an aerosol can, for instance. When you’re out on the town, it’s a constant race against last call. If Sam Adams scientists could invent an asthmatic inhaler loaded with 190-proof grain alcohol, bar patrons wouldn’t have to chug their drinks as fast as humanly possible.\nThe ergonomics of one’s drinking chalice are far less important than function, and the function is getting hammered. Koch has lost his way, has strayed from the one true path. Technology should make our lives more convenient, but if Microsoft Windows is any indication, it shouldn’t make our lives more pleasant.