If I'm lyin', I'm fired

To Whom It May Concern:\nI am writing to apply for the Assistant Specialist Consulting Supervisor position in the Office of Technical Management (requisition number 11575). Please find enclosed my resume and writing samples for your consideration. I have been informed by Mr. Wiezinskister in the Recruiting Department that your company is concerned with the inordinate number of job applicants lying about their qualifications, so I want to make it clear that unlike former CEO of Radio Shack Dave Edmondson I have in fact earned the two bachelor’s degrees which I list on my CV. \nI would also like to add that there is no reason to call Express Personnel Services to confirm the information I am telling you, because all of it is true, down to the summer I spent cleaning out the ears of orphaned Killer Whales. I am quite the environmentalist, you see. I also coordinated efforts with the Coast Guard to find families for the abandoned Orcas. \n1995 – Bachelor of Science, International Political Monetization, London School of Economics\n1997 – Juris Doctorate, Human Rights Law, Yale University Law School\n2000 – PhD, Quantum Mechanics, Massachusetts Institute of Technology \n2006 to 2007 – Chief Designer of the iPhone. Steve Jobs and I go way back, since I discovered a way to produce a miniature hard drive for use in the iPod. With my help, Apple Computers is now back on track to financial solvency.\n2003 to 2007 – Editor-in-Chief of the Indiana Daily Student. The majority of my duties include making it seem as if someone else is in charge since a new management staff is supposed to be chosen every semester. However, since I arrived at IU, I was fast-tracked by the Department of Student Media so that I would be prepared for a job running the New York Times. During my eight-semester tenure as EIC I have interviewed the likes of UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali; Chinese President Hu Jintao; Kumble Subbaswamy, former dean of the College of Arts and Sciences; MC Hammer and diaper-donning astronaut Lisa Nowak.\n2004 to 2005 – Quarterback for the New England Patriots. There are a number of rumors circulating that say the no-talent hack Tom Brady took the Pats to the Super Bowl and beyond, but you can trust me when I tell you the Brady bunch couldn’t lead a moth to a flame. While I did most of my work on the field, you may be less aware of the breakthroughs I made in cold-fusion technology and cancer research. The recently approved Human Pamplona Virus vaccine is one of my most prized accomplishments.\n2000 to 2003 – Presidential Committee for the Preservation of the Majestic Otter. Responsible for otter protection from hunters, poachers, and dangerous woodland creatures that would – given the opportunity – tear their adorable little faces right off their adorable little heads by their adorable whiskers. Nominated by President Bush and confirmed by the Senate for a lifetime appointment, I was the government’s foremost expert on otter affairs until I finished training a replacement, now-Governor Schwarzenegger, so I could pursue some of my other interests listed above.\nI am very interested in working with your company, and lending my leadership expertise to your CEO. Thank you again for your consideration in this matter, you will not regret your decision.