Gas the pre-frosh

I hate pre-frosh. They’re like locusts. They swarm in droves of thousands upon thousands, destroying crops and devouring Burger King as if their parents hadn’t fed them in three weeks. And like locusts, only a small fraction of them are feeding at any given moment, while the rest are buzzing around campus, getting caught in students’ hair, accosting professors on their way to class and splattering their high-school-educated brains all over my windshield. \nDo you have any idea how difficult it is to wash pre-frosh off of my Mazda? Do you?! \nIt may not seem like it during the summer, but this is still a University and I’m still taking classes. The last thing I need to hear while I’m in class is the pre-frosh stampede tramping down the Woodburn hallways causing all sorts of god-awful racket while I’m trying to understand the subtle and culturally alien differences between Sunnis and Shiites. I don’t need to be reminded of days gone by when lunches were provided to me in collapsable cardboard boxes and the only concern on my mind was how to silly string the hot RA upstairs.\nYou kids are so immature.\nAnd for the love of Herman B Wells, would you please stop ordering late-night Pizza Express – you’re slowing down my delivery time. I’m old enough to go to the bars, you pre-frosh are barely tall enough to be considered a species of pygmy. Who do you think needs greasy drunk food more, you or me? That’s right. Me.\nI’ve been selling organs on the black market to pay for tuition; you’re here on vacation. Get out of my way! \nAnd yes, of course I know where the library is. It’s the highest point on campus. You can see it from the bloody moon! Stop asking me, and look at your special orientation map of campus. It’s the massive building labeled “LIBRARY.” Where’s 10th Street, you ask? North of Ninth Street. Imagine that. Now leave me alone, I’m trying to read!\nYou think I’m joking? I’m not. You bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, giggling bags of naivete are making an already brutal term almost totally unbearable. \nOK, OK – I’m glad you chose IU, and you’re going to have a great time here, but I need to be able to walk down the sidewalk without being pushed into oncoming traffic by a rampaging hoard of students-to-be. When I leave, this whole campus will be yours. But for now, just let me enjoy what little time I have left. \nAnd if you absolutely have to wander aimlessly around campus, at least have the courtesy and common sense to stay the hell away from me. You’d be amazed how effective locust insecticide can be on you pre-frosh.