True story

This morning I got a call from my publisher informing me he was pulling my new book “Ex-aggeration,” which details the hellish nightmare that was my previous girlfriend. “WTF, mate?” was my obvious reaction – that he was a kangaroo rancher before moving to New York made the joke funny. \nHe informed me that last week a jury in Elkton, Md., ordered Charles W. Azain, 56, to pay $52,000 in reparations to his ex-girlfriend for defamation of character. Azain was so dejected about the couple breaking up that he penned “The Bonnie Chronicles,” named for his former lover Bonnie Gifford. The 54-page exposition claimed that Gifford was, among other things, HIV-positive and bipolar. Neither of those things happened to be true, but that didn’t stop Azain from proceeding to distribute the manuscript to Gifford’s friends, families and co-workers. \nI, for one, am outraged. This is just the latest in a long series of crimes committed against the artistic community. Now I’m not saying that Gifford deserved to have her life rewritten by a lover who couldn’t let go, and I don’t want to call Azain a hero, but there are some stories that are so insane, so completely unbelievable, that the reader must suspend belief. For instance, Harry Potter is an obvious pseudonym for David Blaine, and the book clearly an embellishment of his childhood attending boarding school. But the series still sells more in an hour than James Frey’s brave memoir “A Million Little Pieces” sold in three weeks of Oprah coverage.\nMy first instinct was to sue for enforcement of contract, but my attorney insisted I publish it as an opinion editorial, also known as “fiction” to those of you not familiar with journalism lingo. You see, even though it’s 110 percent true, the lawyer said it was a biological impossibility for Jenna Bush to have tusks. When I showed him the chess set she carved out of them when they were knocked out in a bar fight on the east side of Detroit, he told me ivory poaching was in violation of international law. \n“So?” I quickly interjected. The point is that the story is true. As was her affinity for drunk driving and smack. Moreover, it’s my prerogative as a tabloid writer/artisan to make up whatever I want, whenever I want, regardless of the consequences; and it’s your responsibility as the reader to assume anything you haven’t heard before is true, or at least true-ish enough to spread around. (Psst! Jenna Bush lubricates electrical outlets with her tongue before attempting to insert any appliance greater than 1200 watts. True story.) \n“Hearsay?” I parroted. “Never heard of it.” \nBut I did hear her say that the government is allowing Osama bin Laden to plan future terrorist attacks so the president can falsify a connection to Ayatollah Khomeini as a pretense to invade Iran. \n“That’s not libel,” he said, “just stupid. If half the things you allege in your story are true, Jenna Bush wouldn’t have the cognitive faculties to remember all those details. Just because she broke your heart – and I’m beginning to doubt that part too – doesn’t mean you can start spreading lies, especially ones you can’t prove. Not only do you destroy the lives of innocent people, but you ruin any chance of being taken seriously in the future, a la Nancy Grace and Geraldo.” \n“What about the chapter in which I explain how we TP’ed the Oval Office?”