Shoot 'Em Up (R) Grade: D+

New rule: Simply being absurdly violent in a purposeful manner does not make a movie what we might call "good." "Sin City" was good because of its unique style and memorable characters. I loved "300" because of its truly epic feel. And "Kill Bill" had a gripping story.\nBut when it comes to "Shoot 'Em Up," don't bother. Don't hope for its great cast to carry your interest. Don't hold out for any visual masterwork. Don't expect the action scenes to justify this 80-minute crapfest. Just, don't.\nI'd tell you about the story, but there isn't one. Dull drifter Mr. Smith (Clive Owen) wanders into a gunfight against the dumpy non-villain Hertz (Paul Giamatti) that lasts the whole movie. Along the way, Mr. Smith picks up a baby and a hooker (Monica Bellucci), and he pretty much only stops for ammo. I think somewhere near the end there was a negligible attempt at a plot, but by then I didn't care.\nFrom the poor gunplay to the big guitar music, this movie feels like little-known writer-director Michael Davis and his henchmen spent a weekend playing "Xbox LIVE on drugs" and thought, "Hey, we could make a cool action movie."\nWell, Mikey, you can't. And what's your great claim to fame, anyway? Maybe you should stick to projects like your direct-to-video classic "Prehysteria! 2" and its critically-acclaimed follow-up, "Prehysteria! 3." Seriously, if I were one of the pimple-ridden pre-teens in your target audience counting down the days until my mom buys me "Halo 3," I'd brand you as a "n00b."\nI feel sorry for the cast. Owen could be a great over-the-top action star, but his quirks are too lame and his one-liners render even the most-hardened action-film movie-buff limp. Giamatti could be a great villain if all his dialogue wasn't aimed at trying to make him funny instead of scary. And Bellucci? Well, she was admittedly a good hooker.\nSuccessful flicks in this narrow genre have to be willing to go all the way. This one tries just a little to be funny, just a little to have some romance and just a little to have incredible shoot-outs, but fails on all three counts. The only thing that saves "Shoot 'Em Up" from total failure is the last 15 minutes, when the fights actually get decent.