The Last Word

She's baaaaack. OK, so Britney Spears never really went away, but it's been four years since her last CD of new material, and a lot has happened since then. The Vegas wedding, K-Fed, car-driving babies, plenty of crotch shots and, of course, the embarrassing VMA performance. This new single needed to be huuuuge ... and it's not. Britney! What the hell? With your "It's Britney, bitch" line, the song starts out promising, but then there's not much more. It just repeats "Gimme more" over and over. I don't mean to be harsh, Britney. I'm just trying to help. It's not only that we want you back in our lives -- we need you. You've got a lot of work to do until that November release date, so listen up, because here's how to reclaim your thrown on the pop dynasty.
1. Dance, dance, dance! You've always been at your best when surrounded by a troupe of backup dancers moving in perfect formation. Your recent performance at the VMAs was nowhere near on par with your past stunts -- the skin-toned dress, the giant python, making out with Madonna. Ahh, those were the days. But as the late Aaliyah (who beat you out for a VMA) once sang, "Dust yourself off and try again." Tighten the dance moves, stop the lip-synching and get on the talk show circuit. But don't do Leno; he sucks.
2. Don't be so distant and angry Sure, artists should be angst-ridden and pissed off; everyone loves a rebel. But don't hate on your audience. The posts you put on your Web site such as "You'll never see it my way because you're not me" are off-putting and rude. We invade your life because our own lives aren't that interesting. Offer us more of yourself, and we won't have to go through the paparazzi to get our Brit fix.
3. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh! "Crossroads" proved you're no master thespian, but deep down, when provided the right material, you've got some comedic chops (remember those gigs hosting "Saturday Night Live"?) Guest star on a comedy show, but not as yourself, and pick something more acclaimed than popular. We suggest NBC's perfect Comedy Night Done Right Thursday lineup. "30 Rock" would put you opposite Tina Fey again, or check in as a patient on "Scrubs" or embrace your southern roots on "My Name is Earl."
4. Don't bash the Fed Somehow in hell, he's managed to come out looking like the better person in your old relationship. So maybe sing a song about what went wrong, but play nice and end it with a "we weren't meant for each other but we had fun and I still kind of miss you" message. 5. Bring the cameras with you Here's where we should be telling you that reality TV is not your friend. "Chaotic" was abysmal at best, but the genre can actually help. Just look at Vicky Beckham. Before her NBC special, America thought she was a robotic bitch, but now we all want to be her best friend. So hire a camera crew this time (we don't need any "Blair Witch" shakiness as you zoom in on your knees to comment how they look like boobs) and record an hour-long show about what it's been like getting back to work. Brit, we wish you the best. If it doesn't work out, we'll just keep rocking out to "Stronger," "Toxic" and other oldies. And hey, at least The Spice Girls are getting back together in December.