No sleep? No problem.

The National Institutes of Health claim that one is supposed to get seven to nine hours of sleep a night – but honestly, who can afford to waste that much time? Life is short and the world is full of exciting things to do – or, at least, there are papers to be written after weeks of procrastination and “Planet of the Apes” marathons to be watched. No, sleep is for those with nothing better to do than sprawl about and take in the garish entertainments of the subconscious. \nThe most popular ways of fighting sleep’s grip are, of course, imbibing caffeine, sugar and prescription stimulants. But these methods have side effects: the jitters, increased heart rate and cavities, as well as cleaning your domicile, rearranging your music collection and running around in circles with a colander on your head gibbering about the CIA satellite monitoring you from geosynchronous orbit 20,000 miles above.\nAlternately, a Google search reveals a variety of other tips for staying awake, from keeping a room cold, to inviting a friend over, to taking a walk, to meditating – but, really, are any of these enough? For those for whom the fight against dread sleep appears lost, the following are some extreme recommendations:\n• Buy cans of dog food. Empty them. Find your closest neighbor who keeps one or more dogs outside. Throw a can into his or her yard – not at the dog, but at a hard surface that will produce a sufficiently loud clatter. Repeat to stimulate barking, or as needed. \nSide effects: possible arrest, murder by neighbors. Beware of Pit Bulls and yards with weak fences.\n• Using an adjustable pipe wrench, loosen every tap within earshot, removing washers and rubber seals as necessary. If the gentle sound of dripping isn’t enough to ensure wakefulness, place forehead under the tap.\nSide effects: increase in water bill, possible desire to confess seditious thoughts.\n• Find a leading figure in the local organized crime syndicate (check the police blotter of your newspaper or any local contractor known to lay foundations with papier mache). Call him up. Once he’s on the line, tell him a long story about his mother’s proclivity for engaging in deviant sexual acts with many partners for hourly compensation. His reaction should be enough to keep you awake for many months on end. \nSide effects: you may have to move ... repeatedly, and with great frequency. Could lead to possible thumb, knee or face loss. \n• Pick up a very large, human-sized pea pod from that weird neighbor who keeps to himself and smiles too much. Install it prominently in your bedroom or living room – wherever you are most in danger of falling asleep. When tired, glance at it to remind yourself that sleep will cause it to burst open and substitute you with a soulless replicant bent on world domination. \nSide effects: None whatsoever. It’s wonderful. You should try it.\nThere you go – with these tips to you should enjoy fuller, longer days (if not many of them).