We’re often told that every person has a role to fulfill in this world. Certainly this is true considering that Paris Hilton is, well, alive.\nBut aside from being a waste of valuable air, Paris, just like everyone else, has an innate sense that there is a purpose for her existence. Yes, everyone was born to do something, a task that you and only you can truly accomplish well. I’m reminded of this by my mother’s weekly phone call to inquire about my post-graduation job status:\nMom: How’s the job hunt going?\nMe: I was kind of thinking of taking some time off after graduation to see the world.\nMom: Oh, well, those student-loan payments will be due soon.\nMe: What’s a couple thousand dollars? I want to roam for a while, perhaps hit the road like Jack Kerouac. \nMom: Jack Kerouac died a lonely, bitter alcoholic’s death.\nMe: Sweet.\nNeedless to say, my mom’s insistence on actually putting my education and skills to use has caused me to ponder my purpose in life. Endowed with a flair for the political process, an inborn sense of humor and a propensity to lie for my own personal gain, I recently found the job for which I was put on this earth: intern for Sen. Larry Craig.\nFor those readers who, unlike me, do not have an unhealthy fascination with CNN, Larry Craig is the senator from Idaho who was arrested last year for soliciting an undercover police officer in an airport restroom. Craig’s ability to plead guilty to the charge, retract his plea, promise to resign from Congress and then retract that promise is everything I look for in a boss: political savvy, rip-roaring humor and blatant dishonesty. It seems that Craig’s personal characteristics align closely with my own.\nYou can imagine how pleased I was to find out Craig is currently soliciting (no pun intended) paid interns to serve in his Washington D.C. office over the summer. Finally, my purpose in life will be fulfilled.\nHere’s a sneak peak at the essay I’ll be submitting with the application.
Dear Senator Craig,\nPlease accept my application for a summer internship position in your office. Based on the attributes you seek in an intern – hardworking, independent and resourceful team players who share your political philosophy – I am confident that I would make an excellent choice. Why? I exude all the necessary skills.\nHardworking – I once studied for a midterm until well after midnight.\nIndependent – Unlike most Democrats or Republicans, I have a “wide stance” on many issues. Is that what you mean by independent?\nResourceful team player – Like you, I also enjoy man-on-man bathroom sports.\nPolitical philosophy – I’m actually a liberal who supports gay rights. But, like you, I can pretend the opposite while in D.C.
Your critical feedback on my application is welcomed. With any luck, I’ll soon be fulfilling my calling as a minion to the Honorable Larry Craig. \nMom will be so proud of me.
