Thank you, Southerners

Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology.” – Sam Cooke.\nIt was recently suggested to me that I, like Sam Cooke’s song lyrics indicate, am lacking in my knowledge of history. This is slightly disturbing, considering the people who made the accusations against me are adamant proponents that “the South shall rise again” (read: followers of the Dukes of Hazzard). \nBut my Confederate fans do have a point. After all, I did insinuate in a recent column that the Civil War was partially fought over slavery, which isn’t telling the full story. Indeed, there are many other reasons why the Civil War was waged, including the strong Hollywood lobby that wanted to use the war as a springboard for epic movies such as “Gettysburg” and “Glory.” \nThank goodness for the war! Martin Sheen, Jeff Daniels, Denzel Washington, Matthew Broderick and Morgan Freeman are forever grateful.\nAnother little known reason for the “War of Northern aggression,” as it’s called in some circles, was a particularly embarrassing incident for Southerners in which Abraham Lincoln gave Jefferson Davis an atomic wedgie. This is an important historical footnote of which I was unaware until my NASCAR-loving friends from the South brought it to my attention. And it’s an important fact to know. Having one’s underwear stretched over the head by a tyrannical president is a great reason for a war.\nFinding out that my knowledge of history is lacking was certainly a shock. It made me wonder what caused such a circumstance. \nThen I remembered my U.S. history class in high school. Here’s a sample of what I endured:\nHistory Teacher: Write a 500-word essay on the Confederacy.\nScott: Could you give us a little background first?\nHistory Teacher: Don’t bother me. Can’t you see I’m reviewing game footage?\nScott: But you haven’t told us anything substantive.\nHistory Teacher: Look, I’m a coach. I live for basketball. Why do you think I became a teacher in the first place?\nScott: To teach the youth of America?\nHistory Teacher: Your knowledge of U.S. history doesn’t matter. Study for the standardized test and master reading and math so you can graduate. That’s all that matters.\nClearly learning history does matter, for without it people like me are prone to make sweeping generalizations that incite Southerners to foam at the mouth. I can’t help but wonder, however, how much other historical information I missed because of my teacher’s preoccupation with coaching. \nThank goodness for Wikipedia. Here’s a sampling of what I recently found:\n•Thomas Jefferson didn’t write the Declaration of Independence, but rather outsourced it to one of his slaves.\n•The Cold War was actually fought over ice cream.\n•The phrase “the South shall rise again” was made up in 1987 by drunk guys at a monster truck rally.