Don’t vote for me

We’re told from a young age that if we work hard enough and care for our fellow human beings, then our brief presence on this planet can truly make a difference. Take, for example, my first grade teacher.\nTeacher: You can make a difference if you care for others.\nStudent: This glue is yummy. \nAnd so goes the majority of our first 25 years of existence. Teachers, pastors and Oprah constantly relate how we can use our skills to make an impact, despite our reduced brain capacity brought on by glue consumption. (Why do they make it so tasty if you shouldn’t eat it?)\nApparently this “caring for others” nonsense actually took root in my Elmer’s-ravaged head, which is why I recently tried to make a great impact on the lives of 40,000 IU students.\nThe IU Student Association elections took place last week and necessitated endorsements from revered IDS columnists like me. The only group of candidates that did not receive an endorsement was the Kirkwood ticket. In the end, our endorsements made a huge impact. The student body loathes my fellow columnists and me so much that they voted the Kirkwood ticket into office just to spite our endorsements. Therefore, we had a major impact on the election, albeit in some contrived, backward sort of way.\nKnowing that the student body follows the exact opposite advice I give, allow me to make an early endorsement for next year’s student government elections: Vote for any ticket, any candidate, as long as it doesn’t involve me.\nRemembering that students vote in the opposite manner that I prescribe, the above endorsement will actually lead to me being elected student body president.\nFirst, let me take this opportunity to give a preemptive thank you to students for despising me so much that you’d care enough to elect me as your chosen leader.\nHere’s a sample of the speech I plan to give upon taking office next year:\nStudents, you are the bedrock of this university, and it is upon such limestone foundations that we build trust. I’m here as your slightly pompous, resume-boosting student association president. Thank you for having so much confidence in me and for being members of a fraternity or sorority – your votes made the difference!\nMy administration will accomplish very few things, which I know is what you want and expect. However, some of the things we actually plan on doing are (1) installing playground equipment in Dunn Meadow; (2) turning the student association offices into a study area for business school exams; (3) attending board of trustees meetings from time to time, perhaps even wearing nice business attire, the kind that is required for our business school classes.\nUntil I take office next year, you’ll find yourselves blessed by a slate of student government officers who supposedly want to make an impact on IU students. Let’s hope they aren’t too distracted by eating glue and actually take their positions seriously.