Free cheese

There’s been a lot of squawking lately about the recent IU Student Association election. Take, for example, the following conversation:\nScott: Wow, the student body election sure was interesting.\nLarge bird: Squawk, squawk, squawk!\nScott: Yeah, tell me about it. It’s been quite a heated debacle.\nIt’s been nearly three weeks since the election, and controversy still abounds regarding the rightful winner. The Student Body Supreme Court just took up the issue again on Sunday.\nOf course, everyone is well aware of the drama involving this year’s election, since this newspaper’s crackerjack reporting on the topic has kept the controversy in the public eye.\nHowever, everywhere I go on campus, which is all of one building and a desolate wooded area, people still wonder exactly what IUSA does and how its officers represent students. \nThe answer, unfortunately, is that no one is entirely sure what IUSA does, not even IUSA. Despite this, it’s at least comforting to see that there is an interest in the organization this year. For example, last year’s election yielded an exciting one ticket vying for the IUSA executive offices. This, in some electoral circles, is called “running unopposed” and generally means that no one (or hardly anyone) cares to vote. Although this year has been wrought with Florida-style electoral politics, the three tickets that ran for the executive offices of IUSA indicate that there is at least a revived interest in student government. \nOne of the recurring criticisms against IUSA is that it is full of resume-boosting, fraternity-centric preppies. This, of course, is an unfair assessment of the candidates’ intentions. Indeed, there are other reasons to seek positions of influence in student government.\nUntil recently, such reasons were limited to notions of helping students and improving the relationship between students and University administrators. However, a recent discovery indicates that there are many other perks to holding a position in IUSA. These were discovered in a “chamber of secrets” that was unearthed after the recent earthquake. Also, I might or might not have been digging in random places around campus while intoxicated, as per my normal Friday night routine. Here are a few secret perks I found:\n1) IUSA officers get free nacho cheese at Taco Bell.\n2) Loan officials from Sallie Mae send five fewer e-mails per day to IUSA officers than to regular students.\n3) All IUSA executives get free \nback massages on Friday. Happy endings cost extra.\n4) The president of IUSA gets permanent, free admission to Sports. The bar provides women (or men) to dance with who must compliment the president’s mad dancing skills.\nThese are just a few of the perks available to IUSA executives. Perhaps they indicate why there is such a heated judicial battle between candidates to settle the recent election. Of course, maybe the candidates aren’t in it for the minor perks of the office and really are fighting because their intentions are purely benevolent. \nYes, that’s probably the case.