Bringing home Mr. Right

So that special someone from last week (you know, the guy taking Jell-O shots by himself?) turns out to be the love of your life. Who knew? It’s about time to bring him home and introduce him to the parents.

In the majority of our great American suburban households, the man runs the house, brings home the bacon and makes his wife cook it. (Ladies, take a look at your bright and sunny future.) The father also takes on the role of threatening the life of your beloved man-friend.

So, there you are driving home on S.R. 37. You’re bouncing with anticipation to show off that stud of yours to mommy and daddy. He, on the other hand, is soaking through with sweat and staring blankly ahead.

You pull up to your humble abode and your mother runs out in an apron and pearls to greet you while your dad waits patiently in the doorway.

The moment has arrived. Mr. Right looks at your dad, your dad looks back at Mr. Right and says, “Welcome home, son.” Your life is perfect.

Not.

Most of us have to deal with awkward silences, devilish stares and Mr. Right’s oh-so-witty responses of “umm, well, uhhh, sure.”

But hey, let’s give him some credit for trying. He smiled, he politely asked for the salt and he even tried to hug you before your mother gave you two a death look.

On the other hand, didn’t he step outside one too many times to have a cigarette while you sat in the kitchen with your mom, trying to convince her of how wonderful he is?

OK, so he didn’t do so well, and your parents weren’t angels either. It’s all right, nothing a little music can’t fix.

Let’s begin with the assumption that after that big mess of a dinner, he doesn’t want to be your sugar daddy anymore. Sad? Sure.

1. “Freak Out” by Avril Lavigne: It’s a tad embarrassing to admit to liking this song, I know, but accept it and move on.

2. “The Show” by Lenka: “I’m just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze, and love is a riddle.” This little Australian princess put it so sweetly; unfortunately, life’s not so sugar-coated.

3. “Believe” by Cher: I sure do hope you “believe in life after love” because I’m not sure Mr. Right could run away from you any faster.

4. “Tougher Than It Is” by Cake: “The more you try to qualify, the more it all will pass you by.” Relax. Maybe it’ll be better next time. If not, you go to school with thousands of boys. I’m sure you’ll be able to find at least one other guy who views taking Jell-O shots as a solitary activity.

Or maybe you got lucky. Being the classy fella that he is, he didn’t break your heart the moment you returned to school. Hurray for you. Your pain is not over, though. Your parents still don’t like him.

1. “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies: Something about your situation reminds me of “10 Things I Hate About You.”

2. “Listen To The Music” by the Doobie Brothers: “Feelin’ good, feelin’ fine, oh baby, let the music play.” Dance with him. That’s a sure fire way to distract him from remembering the line of interrogation from your dear ol’ dad about Mr. Right’s future.

3. “Everything is Alright” by Motion City Soundtrack. Fairly self-explanatory.

4. “Let’s Spend The Night Together” by the Rolling Stones: If he were a real man, he would have jumped on the table and sang this song to you, using a corn on the cob as a microphone.

Just keep in mind that if your relationship can last through the rather absurd IU parties, then it can last four hours at home with your parents.