Wishing I could make it rain like Pacman

LAS VEGAS – Sometimes, the smartest move is to fold.

That statement is extremely relevant for a lot of businesses in Las Vegas.

Last week, the Indiana Daily Student sent me to Vegas for an extensive research trip for this column.

Before you run to the newsroom to grab an application, let me tell you that the Indiana Daily Student didn’t pay a cent for my trip. National sports columnists don’t get top priority on budgetary concerns, and I doubt they will ever pay me a dime past the amazing weekly salary I currently rake in.

To be honest, I’ve already been fired nine times this semester.

Needless to say, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to visit one of the most historic sports sites during my trip to Vegas – the Minxx Gentleman’s Club and Lounge.

The Minxx is the location of the infamous Pacman Jones melee, which resulted in his suspension from the NFL for an entire season.

Reportedly, Jones “made it rain” on the strippers by showering them with various bills, which resulted in a scuffle, fired guns and, ultimately, Jones’ arrest. This is just one of Jones’ many altercations, the most recent being last week when he got in an fight with his bodyguard at a local Dallas hotel.

I was quite interested in seeing this historic place – for research purposes of course – so I called my hotel concierge to find out how I could get over there. I found out online that it was merely a few minutes from my hotel, so I figured it wouldn’t be a problem.

After much discussion, the concierge informed me that the Minxx was no longer operating, ultimately ruining my plans for the evening, and more importantly, my plans for this column.

Originally, I was going to grace you with a running diary of my experiences at the club (in PG-rated format because my editors have no sense of humor).

However, the place was shut down, and I didn’t have any contacts of former owners or managers to even find out if it was because of the Jones incident.

And, without being able to justify a trip to a strip club for research, I lost out on an interesting Vegas experience.

So, since I didn’t get to live out my historic trip, I will inform of what my plan of attack for my trip to the famous Minxx was going to be.

First, I was going to be packing heat. I had plans to take a custom-made Belgian weapon – borrowed from Marvin Harrison – in case of incident. Alan Henderson showed me how to correctly pack it in my checked luggage, and Stephen Jackson, a strip club gunfight expert, taught me how to properly fire it into the air.

Next, I was going to limo over to the Minxx. It is essential to roll to a strip club in style, since, you know, both a limo and a strip club exemplify class.

I would have paid the cover in $1 bills.

Once in the club, I would have found a prime seat – not too close to the stage, but also not too  close to the champagne room.

I was hoping to watch a stripper named Star in a cowboy-themed costume perform on stage. I was also hoping that Jessica Simpson would be sitting at the table next to me.

I was then planning on getting a bottle of champagne, so I could pop the cork to see if anyone hit the deck.

All of this would be happening while the disc jockey played “Make it Rain” by Lil Wayne and Fat Joe.

Then, after a few drinks, I would have called it a night. I’m not one of those guys who can drop a grand or two at a strip club.

Unfortunately, none of that happened, because the Minxx is no longer in operation. Instead, I ending up seeing Wayne Brady spit game at a club called Privé, since our tables were adjacent. After a fun night of VIP service, I left the club and someone handed me a flyer about Carrot Top’s show.

Well, at least I can say I got to see one boob in Vegas.