Cereal killer

This week, as students head off to their exams, many will undoubtedly recall their younger years, when parents and teachers always reminded them to eat a well-balanced breakfast to fuel their brains before a big day.

Logically, if studying isn’t getting you anywhere, it’s worth a try, right? Well, as it turns out, there’s quite a bit of history buried in every mouthful of corn flakes. And so, on the eve of exams, because your brain is probably already falling out your ears as it is, I present to you a completely frivolous and random column about the history of cereal:

Long before the advent of Count Chocula, a typical American breakfast – for those who had the luxury to be able to eat one – consisted of a grain product or basic protein staples such as eggs, fish or bacon. In the late 1800s, as a response to the “sinful” pork-and-whiskey diet of many Americans and the stomachaches that were often associated with it, many health reformers began to look at alternatives, such as vegetarianism and more fiber-based diets. It might also interest you to know – because many of you might have more coffee than blood running through your veins at the moment – coffee was, at that point, condemned as a poison. Yikes.

In 1863, one member of these crazies, James Jackson, invented Granula. John Kellogg caught on to the trend, changed a letter in the name, and invented Granola. The rest is history.

While the breakfast-food industry is obviously not still controlled by fundamentalists and health-food nuts, it has somehow managed to get progressively creepier since its formative years. During the Depression, Post Toasties used cartoon animals drawn by Walt Disney himself to advertise their cereal.

In the ’60s, the veritable golden age of cereal, such treasures as Apple Jacks and Frosted Mini-Wheats came to be. After those successes, manufacturers decided it was time to bombard consumers with disturbing “spokestoons,” including the most obnoxious talking tiger I’ve ever encountered and a possibly pedophilic, marshmallow-eating leprechaun. Don’t even get me started on the Trix rabbit. It’s a bit frightening, isn’t it?

Mid-century, ironically, this staple – originally intended as a health food – met its destiny when manufacturers decided to put so much sugar in their cereal that they would be able to expand their customer base to kids. Since then, parents have figured out that it’s OK to feed their kids lots of sugar first thing in the morning, because they can, in turn, immediately drop them off at school and let their kids’ teachers deal with them.

Well, there you have it. You’ve seen the good, the bad and the evil of an American staple and why we now have the luxury of eating delicious bowls of sugary goodness every morning. By now I’ve probably turned you off to cereal. You might not ever look at your Rice Krispies the same again.

But at least you didn’t have to read a column of any kind of substance, and besides, you can always just opt for a bagel instead.