Healing positive

EDITOR'S NOTE: Although she has kept it a secret in the past, Deb Sturm is aware that her story is being published with the Indiana Daily Student. She has supported its publication in hopes that her story will raise awareness about HIV.

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Today is more than the 20th anniversary of World AIDS day for Spencer, Ind., resident Deb Sturm.

As people around the world come together to draw attention to the AIDS epidemic, Sturm will remember testing positive for HIV 11 years ago. 

She contracted HIV through unprotected sex with her boyfriend. Upon discovering her status, she left him and never contacted him again. Shortly after she was diagnosed, her T-cell count – a type of white blood cell which is vital to the immune system’s capacity to function – dropped rapidly. Her doctor urged her to start treatment.

    SOUNDSLIDE: Healing positive

Sturm stopped last year because the side effects of the medicine became unbearable. Living without the support of HIV medicine, she faces a greater chance of developing AIDS.

Aside from the health risks, Sturm deals with the loneliness of keeping her status a secret to most people. Being unable to disclose her status makes her feel very alone. To this day, Sturm struggles with finding support from her family and the rural community in which she lives.

“This is a lonely disease,” she said. “You can’t imagine how many people you have to face, and when you go for any kind of assistance, they pass judgment on you.”

The only federally subsidized housing available to Sturm is a senior citizens’ apartment complex. At 51, she is one of the youngest residents there, which has made some her of neighbors curious.

“I had a lady ask me, ‘You’re not elderly, so how did you come to live here?’” she said. “And then, I feel like they know. I might as well just write it across my forehead, ‘AIDS.’”

The stigma surrounding HIV is strong enough that among Sturm’s family, only her younger sister and daughter know she is positive. Sturm will not tell her parents about her status, even though she seeks their support. In an effort to conceal her status, a doctor recommended she tell her parents that she has Lupus, a disease with comparable symptoms to HIV.

“I wish I could tell them,” she said. “I want them to understand. I could really use their support, but I think they would disown me.”

Although Sturm doesn’t have her parents’ emotional support, she has found help elsewhere.

Amy Hayes of Bloomington Hospital’s HIV/AIDS clinic, Positive Link, has served as Sturm’s care coordinator for the past five years. In that time, Sturm has come to rely on Hayes as one of the few members of her support system.

“A lot of times, we are the first people to give that support in a completely accepting, open way,” Hayes said. “Our relationship tends to be more in depth, because for some people, Positive Link staff are the only people who know that they’re positive.”

Much of Hayes’ job deals with supporting clients as they navigate insurance, medical and social service systems. Sturm is thankful to have help with the logistics of being positive, but it is Hayes’ openness and non-judgmental demeanor that she values most.

“Amy gets it,” Sturm said. “She never makes me feel anything less than respected and cared about.”

Also among her support system is former boyfriend Harold McMillin. Also HIV positive, he first met Sturm several years after she tested positive. While the relationship didn’t last, the friendship and support did.

“I’d do whatever I could for her,” McMillin said, “and she would for me too.”

Sturm trusts only a select few people, but she is able to identify with McMillin because he understands the vulnerability of being HIV positive.

“I trust Harold explicitly,” she said. “It makes (me) feel better because there is someone who really understands.”

Despite support from Hayes and McMillin, Sturm still struggles with the loneliness of having HIV.

“I did a lot of the right things,” she said. “I give other people help. I wasn’t supposed to be like this when I grew up.”

As for what the future holds, Sturm is both hopeful and tentative.

“I want to be happy every day that I’m alive,” she said. “But I don’t want to make big plans. I’m lucky to plan another year or two down the road.”