The 7 deadly sings of coffeeshop etiquette

I am a total coffee snob. I admit it.

I’ve worked at Angles Café and Gift Shop in the IU Art Museum for almost four years now, and it’s turned me into one of those people.

I have a ban on being spoken to until my first cup of free trade organic coffee has been consumed.

I don’t drink anything at Starbucks that hasn’t been drowned in sugar and syrup, lest I taste the burning fires of their over-roasted beans.

I love my regulars at Angles – they are the polite, friendly, cheerful people that every
slinger of joe wishes they could interact with.

However, there are a few things every snooty barista will silently judge you for.

1. Pronouncing it “expresso.”
Darlings. The word is spelled “espresso.” There is no “ex” in the word. The only thing that is properly referred to as an “Expresso” is a subcategory of the Dodge Neon.

2. Under-ordering.
Most coffee shops, even if they are small and independent like the one I work for, can produce nigh-uncountable coffee-milk-syrup combinations. Grunting “large regular” over the counter at me will only get the falsely bubbly, “Oh, I’m sorry! A large regular WHAT?” response from me.

3. Over-ordering.
If you absolutely must have a small non-fat sugar-free vanilla decaf short shot extra hot latte – in a large cup, I suggest you shorten it by saying “I’d like a useless latte, please.” Or go get a Diet Coke.

4. Talking on your cell phone at the counter.
Tell your friend, or more likely your mom, to hold on while you order, or most baristas will burn you with the force of their glares.
How would you like it if I talked on the phone while you were trying to order, and in the middle of you ordering a useless latte I burst into uproarious laughter and told you to “hold on?”

5. Speaking Starbucks
If you’re not in a Starbucks store or one of their affiliates like the Hoosier Café, there is no “tall,” “grande” or “venti” anything to be found.

6. Using all the half-and-half.
Hey, you, guy who pours half your cup of coffee in the trash can and then uses fully half of our carafe of half-and-half – I have three words for you: Café au lait. Also: death by coffeepot.

7. Making a mess and leaving it there.
Whether it’s a coffee-soaked pile of napkins and Sweet-and-Low or a copy of the Indiana Daily Student with a half-completed crossword puzzle, there’s nothing a hard-working coffee artiste loves to do more than clean up someone else’s mess. Really.

The truth is, anyone who works at a coffee shop probably wants nothing more than to have positive, friendly interactions with the customers so those nice people will come back and regularly add a little sunshine to their day.

As long as you avoid these seven cafe gaffes, you’re well on your way to becoming some barista’s favorite regular.