Texting on 18 wheels

When simultaneously driving and texting, drivers are 23 percent more likely to crash than when driving not distracted, claimed a new study released Tuesday by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute.

“These results show conclusively that a real key to significantly improving safety is keeping your eyes on the road,” the study reads.

America, it appears our second-favorite pastime (second only to putting on weight) is in jeopardy. No doubt some self-righteous politician is going to pander to the concerned parents of America, give in to the safety lobby and pass legislation to end texting while driving. But watching the road while you drive? That’s almost as silly as watching a baseball before you try to hit it. Who ever heard of such a thing?

Apparently not many semi-truck drivers, who were used as test subjects for a large portion of the study, and who fared worse than car drivers when it came to crashing-while-texting rates. But most unfortunately, the makers of the study irresponsibly neglected to record the most important part – what the truckers’ text messages actually said.

A self-righteous small-car driver such as myself could easily write off this study’s omission and simply adopt the attitude of “Who cares? (audible sigh) Trucks should just have their own highway” – which, I must admit, is tempting. But instead, I have decided to take the route of sympathy, oneness, unity and other buzzwords I would know if I ever made it past page 3 of “Siddhartha.”

I have channeled the inner spirits of our nation’s truck drivers and, after emerging from a journey into the depths of their souls, covered in a residue of partially digested circus peanuts and nicotine, I’ve recorded some of the most popular text messages truck drivers send to one another while on the road:

“Check out douchebag at mile marker 225. Run off road? HAHAHA...not after last time...unless ur game?”

“How is the pork rinds selection at that Citgo off exit 28? Scale of 1 to 10.”

“Sidetracked...gotta see beautiful Rock City.”

“If fruit flies have been in my beard for more than ten days does that mean they’re laying eggs?”

“Red alert: Sale on flannel at the Lands’ End outlet in Edinburgh.”

“He drove with all the strength in his bulging muscles. He was running, going away from something. Or was it – someone? He could feel the wind on his brow, and his blind spot grew blinder as the daylight crumbled into nighttime...Check back tomorrow for next installment of my text novel. 160 char. Limit. Peace n’ love.”

“Balls out...gonna do 65 in a 70 today. Git R Dun.”

“Ever thought about what it would be like to eat bacon raw?”

“I spy with my little eye, something gree – F it, it’s grass. Again.”

“I mean, if you want to argue that Postmodernism died in the 80’s that’s fine, but just give some thought to the resonance that a well-directed production of “Godot” still holds.”

“Check out big tits in white Nissan.”