Beach reads: the selection process

It’s family vacation time again. Yes, unlike my cooler peers, I basically only go on real vacations when they’re all-expenses-paid (i.e., with my parents).

So selecting the perfect beach read is especially relevant for me because I will have to drown out the sounds of my family members, whom I love dearly, after spending 120 hours with them with no outside contact.

And I don’t feel guilty for saying these things, because I am annoying and hope they have the same luck in finding a way to drown out my recession-graduate griping and thought-provoking speeches about whether I will move to Nashville, Tenn., or Portland, Ore.

As a person who loves books, I hate (but feel obligated) to admit that on these vacations, good literature doesn’t always cut it.

When my sister recalls every time I was grounded in high school and my mom makes embarrassing comments about my bikini, I need the junk food of books to keep me at bay: the trashy beach read.

For the benefit of all those family members enjoying quality time out there, turn the iPods up and the stress levels down as I divulge to you my secret tips to find the perfect guilty pleasure read for lounging on the beach (next to Dad):

Pick a genre
Sure, you threw a classic in your suitcase, but you’ve been trying to finish “War and Peace” for years. Thriller? Romance? Thriller-romance-suspense? Or – something that I don’t really believe is a genre but major booksellers beg to differ – vampire romance?

Pick a popular author
Don’t waste too much of your time hunting for this book. Wait until you are investing in a book that won’t end up with sand stuck in its spine. Suspense? John Grisham. Romance? Nicholas Sparks. You get it.

Pick something that you can watch on a rainy day
Yes, if it has been made into a movie, all the better. “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” anyone?

Load up
Chances are, this book isn’t going to last you long with all those hours of beach-lounging and cat-napping. For a weeklong trip, take at least two, probably three. If you have the time, visit a yard sale and get them each for a quarter.

Purchase a pair of large, “bug-eyed” sunglasses and a hat
Avoid those nasty UV rays and stay incognito while sporting this fashionable disguise. Don’t get burned or seen reading these books.

As for me? I’ve picked up some spicy courtroom dramas sure to have just enough character development to keep me going. And I’ve even thrown a few books that might be good into the mix. It’s unlikely that I’ll get to them, but it’s never too late to try to change bad habits – or, in this case, bad taste.