This is serious

After close evaluation of my columns from this semester as well as the previous three semesters I have written for the Indiana Daily Student, it has come to my attention that, in my attempts to entertain my readers, I have failed to provide any substantial political, moral or spiritual opinions.

Oh no!

And now I have to go off and move away from Bloomington like a good graduate, leaving my friends, fans and people who leave nasty comments on the IDS Opinion Web page behind. Bye bye, love.

Well, don’t worry because I have one column left, and I have made the decision to serve my readership to the utmost degree by providing all the opinions you ever need to know about ... everything! Don’t you dare laugh at this column, you guys – this is a serious one. So be prepared to learn, and learn big. (I know, I know, online commenters – you were never laughing. That, and you spread joy and sunshine to everyone around you every day.)

First things first. Health care has been a big thing recently, right? I bet the other, more “legitimate” columnists have been writing about it a lot. Blah blah blah. Do you want the answer, the right answer? The answer you can sink your teeth into? No health care is the right health care! Private or government-run? Uh, excuse me, America. Who said we wanted health care anyway? Last I checked, survival of the fittest was in charge. If you get sick, sorry! Deal with it! Die off! Oh, and if any readers have perfect eyesight, please send me an e-mail so that we can arrange a time to breed.

With regard to whatever food crises and “hunger issues” are currently disrupting our way of life, I feel very strongly that the best answer is to tear down any farms out there – “organic” or otherwise, and build fast-food restaurants in their place. Our appetites could use more Hardee’s, as could our society’s thriving ideas about gender appropriateness.

Religion? Oh God, religion. Please lay off your churches and your synagogues and get with the program. The program being that average house cats have reached nirvana. Anyone who has one knows that they see spirits; they are always staring off into the distance and chasing invisible things around. They also meditate in the sun like, all day long, you guys. Cats – either find a way to become one or start worshipping them. Those are your two options. On a related note, bugs and mice are evil, by default, and should be crusaded against. And “dog people” are nothing but simple heretics.

As far as social etiquette, my only strong opinion – and this is one I feel very strongly about – is that if you aren’t sure how to act in any type of social situation, getting Hoosier loud is always the right answer.  

It’s laughable that this even needs to be said, but newspapers should definitely stop printing and close. Immediately. Who reads newspapers anymore? Everything I ever needed to learn I learned from a Google search of “Lady Gaga” and a visit to
catsinsinks.com.

That’s all. Bye.