Connolly comments on bobble-heads, politics

James P. Connolly entertained audience members with five stand-up performances at the Funny Bone Bloomington Comedy Club with jokes about bobble-heads, his Hispanic heritage, guns and cars.

Local amateurs Jamison Raymond and Brian M. Frange opened for Connolly, while Bloomington comedy host Brad Wilhelm was emcee Thursday and junior Josh Cocks was emcee Friday and Saturday.

Friday was Cocks’ first night as emcee and he told audiences he’d dressed up for the evening, wearing his roommate’s nice shoes and “the tie my dad pre-tied for me three years ago when I left for college.” He also contemplated greek life, tornados and advice on Yahoo.

“This lady was asking how to bleach a pink prom dress so she could use it as her wedding dress,” Cocks said, before bringing Frange to the stage.

Frange, the weekend’s guest performer, started off by telling the audience about a heckler who justified harassing performers by saying he was just “riffing” and giving the comedians something to work with.

Frange continued and spoke about the difficulties of picking up women.

“I’m on three different prescriptions, I haven’t been laid in over a year – you don’t need to give me something to work with,” Frange said. He also mentioned he returned a box of condoms after finding out the girl he was with was allergic to latex.

“I exchanged the condoms for a box of tissues, and I was like, ‘yes, it’s exactly what you think it is,’” he said.

Next, it was feature performer Raymond’s turn to make the audience laugh with jokes about how it took him eight years to earn an English degree.

“I’m now qualified to have pretentious coffeehouse discussions,” he said.
He also recalled previous jobs he’s held, including one at a psychiatry ward.

“There is an alarming number of people out there who think they are God,” he said, adding this by itself isn’t crazy. “What I think is crazy is going around telling people you are God.”

Raymond mentioned a past girlfriend who was pro-life and wouldn’t use birth control because the Bible says “be fruitful and multiply.”

“When he said that, there were two people. Now, there’s just shy of two billion – mission accomplished, I’m gonna wrap my tool,” he said, adding that she called him “pro-abortion” for being pro-choice. “No one is pro-abortion. It’s not like I’m in the nursery with a picket sign: ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people and babies grow into people.’”

Headliner Connolly then took the stage, telling everyone that despite his Caucasian appearance and name – James Patrick Connolly – he is half Hispanic and supports undocumented workers.

“In fact, the money I make here tonight will go largely undocumented,” he said.
Connolly told the audience he was valedictorian in high school.

“Not bad for home schooling,” he said. “I was homecoming king. And queen.”
While some men focus on legs, breasts or buttocks, Connolly said he’s less discerning.

“I’m more of a ‘breathing’ man,” he said.

Connolly suggested simpler, more realistic versions of common adages.

“He who laughs last probably didn’t get the joke,” he said. “A friend in need is a blood-sucking leech. A penny saved is a really crappy savings plan.”

He also offered a tip to make quick money, California style.
“I sell snacks outside medical marijuana clinics,” Connolly said. “You sell stoners Cheetos and they think their fingers are bleeding orange.”