Landry talks sex, marriage to Funny Bone crowd

With jokes about job interviews, sex and drinking, headliner comedienne Lisa Landry performed five shows at the Funny Bone Bloomington Comedy Club on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Her comedic backup included hosts Brian M. Frange and Brad Wilhelm, opening act Dwight Simmons and feature performer Ben Moore.

Simmons warmed up the crowd with a five-minute set about Urban Dictionary, the Seven Dwarfs and Jesus, among other topics. Then it was Moore’s turn to keep the audience laughing. He contemplated what it would be like if it was 1997 and people treated the answering machine similar to Facebook.

“How quickly would you decide that person was crazy? You know, you come home, and ‘you have 112 new messages,’” he said. “That’s weird. I was gone for 20 minutes.”

Moore also commented that the easiest job in the world was narrating “described pornography” for the blind, which he said he found while “looking for regular pornography.”

He then moved on to the “motivational” speakers at his school in Terre Haute, which he described as a scared-straight type program to keep students from using drugs.

“I think the faculty thought they had to keep upping the head trauma ante every year just to keep scaring us ’til finally they found this guy who I’m pretty sure they were just paying with drugs,” he said. “He scared everybody. He came out and said, ‘operating the Screaming Centipede at the State Fair made me feel like a god among men. That is, until the day I was so high on PCP I decided to take a peek inside the cannon what they shoot the man out of at the circus. I got hit in the head with another man’s head going 45 miles per hour.’”

When Landry took the stage, she said her husband tries to explain the stock market to her.

“I’m from Louisiana. I know Bourbon Street, not Wall Street,” she said. “A bailout is when your friend rescues you from the ugly guy at the bar, and a hedge fund is the money I set aside for my bikini wax.”

With more material about her southern background, Landry said all food there is deep-fried and there’s not much in the way of entertainment.

“On a weekend, you can go to Dairy Queen or make a baby. Two of my cousins got knocked up because they’re lactose intolerant,” she said. “I’m trailer park. you cut me, I bleed crystal meth and Kevin Federline.”

Landry said Muslim terrorists are so mad because they have to get up at 5:30 a.m. to pray. Her solution to achieve peace in the Middle East is simple.

“We go over there and we take away all their alarm clocks and give them Ambien,” she said.

Landry also discussed her sex life with her husband.

“They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence ain’t got nothing on Jack Daniels,” she said. “Our bedroom is BYOBG, bring your own beer goggles.”

She also included material to dispel the myth that nice guys finish last.

“My husband’s the nicest guy in the world. He always finishes first,” she said. “Sometimes before we even start.”

Her husband also encourages her to eat healthier, and she said she wasn’t buying it.

“I ain’t eating apples. I know what they did to Snow White and Eve,” she said.
Landry said green tea is not on the menu either.

“It tastes like old lady,” she said. “It tastes like foot in a cup.”

She also rejected working out.

“A gym is a P.E. class you pay to skip,” she said.