Hawkins’ jokes cover Iraq War, infomercials

Comedian Robert Hawkins brought his stand-up to the Funny Bone Bloomington Comedy Club during the weekend, entertaining audiences with stories, opinions and a little dirty humor.

Friday and Saturday’s shows kicked off with Brian M. Frange performing his final weekend as regular host before returning to New York City. Among other things, Frange discussed his dating woes, including how it’s creepy to approach strangers on the street, but not in a bar or nightclub.

“The only difference between a bar and the street is a photo ID. It’s not like they have an in-depth screening process like eHarmony,” he said.

The week’s guest spot, Jamison Raymond, had several self-deprecating jokes about not pleasing women.

“I’m like the anti-Snickers bar for ladies,” he said. “Gonna be a while? Not me.”

Feature performer Dave Waite discussed a cooking class he took to meet women.

“You know who I met there? Creepy dudes,” he said.

Waite also said he might need to join a porn support group.

“I get there, there’ll be all the guys from my cooking class,” he said.

Waite also told the crowd about his educational experiences.

“I went to a state university in Kentucky, which is probably like going to a high school in Indiana,” he said.

Waite also recalled working for Delta Air Lines and having to explain time zones to rednecks who would get confused that their flight left at 8 a.m. in one zone and arrived at 7:54 a.m. in another.

“Delta Air Lines invented a special new time-traveling program for dumb hillbillies,” he said.

He also discussed working in data entry, including a team-building activity in which he was asked what animal he’d want to be.

“I wish I was a tiger, so I could eat you all. ‘That shows your competitive spirit.’ No, you’re missing the point – I wish you all were dead,” he said, adding that a co-worker had a sign in his cubicle about how God has a plan for everyone. “If God’s plan is for me to do data entry, I’d like to see what the devil has on the table.”

When Hawkins took the stage, he talked about doing shows for troops in Afghanistan and Iraq.

“Best crowds I’ve ever had were forced to come see me,” he said. “They’re making progress in Iraq. They’ve got a Walmart over there. They’re having a hard time finding greeters.”

Hawkins also said he once flew with the Blue Angels, after making fun of them in his routine.

“They’re not going to scare anyone with their perfect diamond formation,” he said, joking that the reaction would be for the enemy to run “before the synchronized swimmers show up, and the hand jive crew.”

He also mentioned he saw a sign the other day that read “Drunk Drivers Call 911.”
“I may be drunk, but I’m not stupid,” he said. “You’re drinking and driving, you shouldn’t be on the phone.”

Hawkins later moved on to infomercials.

“When I heard cocaine was involved in Billy Mays’s death, I went right in the laundry room to check out the Oxiclean one more time, just in case,” he said.

In addition to jokes about sex, masturbation and marriage, Hawkins also pointed out a gender disparity in dating.

“If a man says he wants a woman with a sense of humor, he means a woman who finds him funny,” he said. “If a woman says she wants a man with a sense of humor, she means a man with $2 million.”