Grow up, get counted

That’s right: don’t you give the federal government the satisfaction of prying into your personal privacy. Never mind that this is one of the shortest census forms ever. You can’t have Big Government poking around, asking you about your name and stuff.

Ten whole questions? That is outrageous, my friends. That’s invasion into your life! That’s unconstitutional. Oh, er, wait, there it is Article 1, Section 2. Well ... don’t worry about that.

Just say, “enough is enough” to government intrusion like Michele Bachmann recommends.

Of course, as Glenn Beck pointed out on his show, there’s always the worry that the government might, you know, use your failure to fill your census form out as, like, a loophole to prevent you from getting a gun permit.

Proper representation in the House of Representatives be damned. Only God knows what a sad day it would be if Glenn Beck were deprived from firearms. But truly it’s just a small price to pay to get back at those rowdy census workers, the foot soldiers of Washington. Moreover, according to Bachmann, if you fill out your Census form, you could end up in the next Japanese interment camp. Yikes!

Not convinced yet? Maybe the Superbowl ad looked tempting, but don’t fall for it. After all, the form that arrived in your mail might not even be from the Census Bureau.

That’s right. Some crazy right-wing fringe organization has decided to prey upon unsuspecting, law-abiding citizens by sending out Census-look-alike forms from the “Congressional District Census” marked “Do not destroy official document.”

Many people are surprised to learn that “Do you believe the huge, costly Democrat-passed stimulus bill has been effective in creating jobs or stimulating America’s economy?” is not a census question. Neither is a request to donate between $25 and $500 to the Republican National Committee. Unreal, right? Hopefully for RNC Chairman Michael Steele, not too many people ignored their census forms this year. You’d hate to see such a creatively deceptive fundraising scheme go to waste.

Of course, the Census Bureau wanted each resident to complete their form by April 1 and as of then 52 percent of forms had been returned.

Have you already sent yours in? Oh no, It’s too late. They know who you are.

Not only have you saved the government about $57 (the Census Bureau estimates it will cost $1.5 billion total to follow-up with everyone who does not return their mailed form), but the community in which you live will be given its proper portion of the $447 billion of federal assistance (things like Medicaid payments) and $420 billion of federal grants up for grabs. And, the number of seats your state has in the House of Representatives, as well as the redistricting of state legislatures and even county and city councils, all will happen more accurately.

But the cost was high: You provided the government with roughly the same information you gave Google to create your Gmail account. Madness, I know. It’s not like the penalty for unlawful disclosure of Census information is a fine of up to $250,000 or imprisonment of up to five years, or anything.
Oh, wait. It is.


E-mail: akames@indiana.edu