COLUMN: KFC takes dire derriere measures

For many years, Kentucky Fried Chicken hasn’t been afraid to ask the tough questions. Extra crispy or original? One or two sides?

So it only makes sense that KFC would go rogue for the Double Down “bun-less” sandwiches ... right on the gluteus of an IU undergraduate near you.

As a new way to advertise the chicken patty “buns” with an arterial blood clot sandwiched in between, KFC began recruiting women on campuses across the nation to wear sweatpants with “Double Down” printed on them.

The recruited women hand out KFC gift certificates as an attempt to target young men, according to a press release.

The concept of “human billboards” makes sense since it only takes one Double Down to make you feel as bloated as one.

Now you may wonder, what kind of girl is up for this? Well the kind that likes free sweatpants and a $500 stipend. Since IU is in line to get its own “Double Down” damsel, it got me to thinking — is that really what’s necessary to sell a sandwich?

When did it become appropriate to buy rental space on a student? Or slap a decal on her as if she was about to round some laps at the Indy 500?

I don’t claim to be an expert, but I know a few things about college students and even more about carbs. My research shows that students are always on a constant quest for food, especially large quantities for a small fee.

I can’t imagine the KFC college demographic is so drastic that dire derriere measures have to be taken.

Plus, the use of attractive women as a marketing ploy to lure in men is as predictable as your local Hooters. You mean to tell me that the same people who came with 11 special ingredients for fried chicken couldn’t cook up one decent advertisement?

Some may not see this as a huge deal, but there is something at stake in the whole sweatpants situation. It would be something completely different if the representative were to just pass out gift certificates on campus while wearing a T-shirt with the KFC logo and a nice pair of jeans.

But it’s the fact that KFC is paying women in the vain hope that they might bend down in front of a group of very hungry young men that should make the Colonel want to blush.

To explicitly use women as a way to get cool with all the guys is way too similar to a ’90s PG-13 movie plot. Men are more than just scavengers of carnal pleasure and women have better assets than the ones behind them. KFC fails to recognize these qualities.

But perhaps this is all relative, and who am I to turn my nose up at $500? I am sure that it will only be a matter of time before the Colonel wins this battle and there are some young ladies tossing out coupons.

As for me, I’ve made my choice. I’ll take the original recipe.