Facebible, the Newer Testament

Facebook: it’s addictive, can be consumed at home, on the go or in the office, and old people don’t understand it.

Nothing in the history of the human race has been able to pump our brains full of pointless social factoids at the rate Facebook can.

As a race, we need to pay attention to this important tool; it is an asset to our society and perhaps even the savior of humanity. It allows us to do and say anything we want in front of everyone we know without any sense of restraint or control.

I had never used Facebook until just recently when I decided to boot up Netscape Navigator and check it out.

According to Facebook, one of my friends might be getting a new 22-inch computer monitor for $100. I liked this. It felt worth the button press knowing he’s going to know I’m happy for him. It made me happy doing that. Gee, I’m glad everybody’s happy about all this.

The longer I wade through this site, the more I learn about how much free time I have. Turns out I have a lot of free time. Facebook is happy to take up as much time as you have to feed it; and with the advent of smart phones, you’ll always know who woke up at 8 a.m. today for the first time in a year — liked — or who wishes he had a Siberian Husky puppy — aw, totally liked.

Doesn’t it just make you warm inside knowing other people do things and want stuff? You never have to do anything ever again now that you can see what everyone is doing or wanting to do. With basic writing skills, you too can contribute to the torrent of pleasantries!

It’s sunny out today, aren’t you just really happy about that? Is anybody else going to see that very popular blockbuster movie that was just released? You might as well ask everybody you know, even if you have no interest in it yourself. Now you’re getting the hang of it. But this isn’t just fun, Facebooking is soothing, relaxing, it adds meaning to your existence that you have never felt before.

We need to follow Facebook as many do the bible: blindly and without reading most of it. Facebook is the only thing that makes most people happy anymore. This is proven by no statistics, but I saw a group about it and a lot of people were members. I say we organize churches to worship the walls of saints, engage in rituals of like and await the second coming of simulated share cropping.

I, for one, can’t wait until we have our first Facebook-inspired war. I’m not talking about some giant slap fight, or a spam based role-playing war; I’m talking countries on fire, bombs blocking the sun, orphans and all that good stuff.

When that blue and white flag crests the hill, declaring victory over whatever Google came up with, we will know at last that in a perfect world there is no love or hate, only like.

­— tdagley@indiana.edu