It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

Much like the patriarch of the Simpson family in “Homie the Clown,” I too am excited by the appearance of new billboards.

Recently, one such billboard near my home in Indianapolis particularly caught my eye. The billboard informed me that the Lord’s Day of Judgment, as described in the Book of Revelations, was at hand. The day of judgement comes May 21, to be precise. 

My immediate reaction was relief that my imminent demise precluded me from paying student loans, though with the changes in bankruptcy law, I’m sure they’d follow me into the hereafter like the Furies of Greek mythology.

Lapsed Catholic that I am, I tend to view the Book of Revelations and other books of the Bible as being metaphorical rather than literal.

So, I’m not expecting to see water turn to blood nor the Four Horsemen; though should the latter occur, it’d give me an excuse to listen to The Clash song of the same name. If the world’s ending, you might as well go out with a decent soundtrack.

The geeky side of me chuckles at the timing of the Rapture — after all, Skynet was supposed to have gone online at the end of this past April, so the timing works great, albeit slightly delayed. Judgment Day was supposed to have occurred a few days after Skynet went online.

Perhaps this whole thing is some viral marketing stunt gone horribly wrong — if so, kudos to the PR firm for their daringness, although you might want to reconsider associating your client with war, famine, plague and death possibly by androids and gynoids.
I have to assume that Skynet doesn’t discriminate against gender when constructing its killbots. Although technically, what wipes out humanity in the Judgment Day is nuclear weapons — the Terminators come later.

Not to be flippant — though this column is an exercise in flippancy and extraneous commas — but being killed by conventional weaponry is so passé. Give me something novel, like being gunned down by a robot wearing a rictus grin.

In any case, should Skynet be reading this, I’d like to have it known that I, for one, welcome our robot overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted newspaper columnist, I can be helpful in rounding up surviving humans.   

The third apocalyptic scenario I’m hoping for is the destruction of Earth in order to build a hyperspatial express route. I’d be fine with that death; I’ve always suspected I’d die at the hands of some bureaucrat. The fact that the demolition of Earth comes so close to the 10th anniversary of the death of Douglas Adams and the first Towel Day is quite all right with me.

I suggest you have a contingency plan for all three scenarios: in the event of the first scenario, be sure to have your implements of destruction for the orgy of looting that will follow the rapture of the faithful.

If it’s death by robot without pity, I suggest you start constructing a fallout shelter immediately.

Should Earth be demolished at the whim of bureaucrats, I suggest you learn how to hitch a ride on a spaceship and to always know where your towel is.

Regardless of what happens Saturday, last drinks are on me.